Life is not getting any easier. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. I used to think that happiness is ALWAYS a choice. But sometimes, life makes the choice for us and it chooses to lead us to other paths. And it's even harder to be happy when there's a gaping hole in your heart that you're struggling to stitch together. But such is life - our pains, our struggles, our tears - they all exist to remind us that we are only human, and not superheroes. Although some of us should be because they've endured through so much worse and still keep on trying. I can only hope to emulate their perseverance and love for life.
I have so many thoughts that keep me up at night. A lot of my suffering comes from thinking about all the people I've given up on. There were people I was glad to be rid of. But most of them I regret to have given up on. And a few of them will always haunt me as part of my life's many "what if's". What if I was more understanding? What if I was more patient? What if I was stronger? What if I don't let my pride get in the way? What if I loved them more?
I thought I was a big advocate of the whole "Love Wins" movement. But I guess I'm really not. I failed love. I was selfish. I was too cowardly to open myself up more. I was weak. My heart got a beating a few times and I gave up. The giving up part really gets to me. Did I not love them enough? Am I not capable of doing more for the people I claim to love? What happened to all the love I thought I had in my heart?
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