Tick tock

I cant believe it hasnt even been 3 weeks yet. It feels like it's already been months.

I Feel So Dead Inside

There is this vast emptiness inside me that I wish would go away. Surrounding it is a crazy sense of hope though; that A will come back and share with me the happiness that I found with him again. As the weeks pass, I know it's a crazy thought. He's not a knight in shining armor who would just come in and save this distressed damsel.

I keep praying he's okay. I really hope he is. Sometimes I even imagine that he's doing so much better now that I'm out of his life. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I would rather see him happy than sad. If what I'm going through now is what he was going through before with his ex, then it really sucks. Ha. I don't even know. I guess this is why it's better that we're not together anymore.

I need a hug

Why does it feel like months have passed when it has only been days. It hasn't even been a fortnight. But my heart is aching for you like I haven't seen you in years. I miss you so much, A. I miss you very very very much.

I want us to stop this fighting and just love each other forever. But how crazy is that.

Life and Love

Life is not getting any easier. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. I used to think that happiness is ALWAYS a choice. But sometimes, life makes the choice for us and it chooses to lead us to other paths. And it's even harder to be happy when there's a gaping hole in your heart that you're struggling to stitch together. But such is life - our pains, our struggles, our tears - they all exist to remind us that we are only human, and not superheroes. Although some of us should be because they've endured through so much worse and still keep on trying. I can only hope to emulate their perseverance and love for life.

I have so many thoughts that keep me up at night. A lot of my suffering comes from thinking about all the people I've given up on. There were people I was glad to be rid of. But most of them I regret to have given up on. And a few of them will always haunt me as part of my life's many "what if's". What if I was more understanding? What if I was more patient? What if I was stronger? What if I don't let my pride get in the way? What if I loved them more?

I thought I was a big advocate of the whole "Love Wins" movement. But I guess I'm really not. I failed love. I was selfish. I was too cowardly to open myself up more. I was weak. My heart got a beating a few times and I gave up. The giving up part really gets to me. Did I not love them enough? Am I not capable of doing more for the people I claim to love? What happened to all the love I thought I had in my heart?

Another Prayer

Dearest Lord,

Please help A become a stronger and kinder person after everything that he has to go through. I may just have been a blip in his radar, but he had been the satellite in mine, and he deserves so so much.

I hope you make him realize what a good person he is, that he is worthy of being loved unconditionally. I wish it could have been me to show him that kind of love, but it is not to be. At least, not yet.

I miss him so much already, Lord. It's only been 2 days but it feels like it has already been years. I'm still hoping that I made the right decision for us. But it's only you who knows this. I hope in the future, our paths would cross again, when we're already better people. And who knows. Love is crazy.