A, Please Be Strong For Us

Dear Lord,

I know I don't often thank you for a lot of the blessings that you've given me. But my heart is really full of gratitude. Despite all the heartaches, thank you for giving me the strength to continue loving myself and the strength to push through all the tough times.

Lord, I wish that you can help A through all this as well. If it's hard for me, I'm sure it's so much harder for him. A lot of people has abandoned him already, and I added myself to the list. He must be devastated right now. He acts cool, but he has a gentle and loving heart, and I know it. And I know he doesn't want to let me go just yet. But I kinda needed to protect myself too. Although now that we're done, I wanna take everything back and just be with him to support him through this. But I can't turn back time. So now, I ask you Lord to please please please take care of A. Please give him the strength to get through this with a better patched heart. My love had been weak. But im not gonna stop loving him just yet. And so I ask you to please show him that he's loved enough, and is worthy of that love.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm the selfish one. I couldn't be strong enough to help you get through what you're going through. I just don't want to let myself think that maybe we'll see each other again and raise my hopes up because I know myself l, and I would hope pretty badly.

I love you, okay? I love you very very much. Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. I wish I could say it to you over and over again forever. I wish I could have told you sooner. But it's a burden that I don't want you to carry. And no matter what, please know that I believe that you're worth it. That you're worth loving. You're enough no matter what you think of yourself right now. But like what you said, I'm just not the right one for you. It's hard to swallow but I am trying to accept that and move on.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I couldn't express my emotions clearly. And I'm sorry for sending this, but I need you to know that I am really sorry for abandoning you like this, again. But nobody is gonna save me but me right now. So I'm sorry for being selfish.

Thank you for everything. I had been very very very happy with you. And I really do hope that you find yourself, Adam. I wish I could help you find the happiness that you seek, but it's only you who can find it for yourself. Even though I can't see you anymore, please know that I will be praying for you every day - that you can finally be happy and feel peace.

Good night, A. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Why Not

Last night, I tried to break up with A and failed. I just couldn't bring myself to speak up because the truth is, I really really really just wanna be with him.

So I texted him instead. And he said we'll talk. What is there to talk about? He'll just charm me. And I'm weak when it comes to him. Everything is so hard.

Another Goodbye Letter

I wish there was an easier way out of this. Some way where my heart doesn't break into tiny little pieces every time I think about you - which is all the time.

It's sad that I never really listened to what you had to say until now. Or at least I refused to before. I could have saved myself from further falling in love with you. But see, I was a coward. I couldn't even tell you I love you. I was so afraid of so many things. I was so afraid that if I tell you I loved you, I'll lose you completely. And yet, I still end up losing you.

So I guess now, I'm forcing myself to stay away. I can't do this anymore. I give up. I love you, but I love myself too. And I loved myself first, so I think it's time that I give myself the love you refuse to give me. I've already given you more than a year of my heart and my love. I've thought I was strong enough to love you without wanting you to love me back, that I was strong enough to be with you and not be my true self. I was wrong - again.

I guess there are just so many wrong things about this relationship that you even refuse to call it one. So now, I'm giving myself the love I deserve. I'm sad that I couldn't be the one to give you what you're looking for. But you know what? I am enough. I am worthy. And you could have been too. I thought that for the longest time. But love, I've learned is a two way street. I'm almost empty myself. And I don't want to be. I don't deserve someone who texts me when its convenient for him, who never calls me, who I get to see only once a week if I'm lucky, who was never interested in spending any significant amount of time for us to get to know each other, who doesn't want to have sex with me but wouldn't mind a blowjob every now and then, who never introduced me to anybody in his life, who never appreciated the effort I went through just to come back and stay, and someone who never thought I was important enough.

So I'm saying goodbye.

Thank you for the feels. I wish I can say thank you for making me feel wanted, appreciated, loved and beautiful. Unfortunately, I can't. The memories aren't even very memorable now. But thank you nonetheless. And I really do hope that you find the happiness and peace that you are looking for soon.