Fears

One of my biggest fears in life is to find out too late that something bad would happen to A and I wouldn't know anything about it because nobody from his friends and family know me.

I pray

I used to pray that we can get back together. But I guess I have finally reached that point where it doesn't matter anymore. Because I clearly don't deserve him. The hope will never die. The what if's will always be there. But now I hear the voice of reason more clearly. Now, I am ready to love you from afar. Finally. Now, I will not pray that we get back together, that you find that you love me. Now, what I want to pray for is that you will remember me as someone who really cared for you, who really loved you. And that's enough. Thank you for not hating me. And thank you for caring for me when I was at my worst. I pray for you a good life. I pray for you a peaceful life. And I pray for you a bigger love - much much much bigger - that what I could ever give you. And I pray the same for myself. I pray that I will remember you as the person who taught me about relationships, about being good to myself, and about adjusting to the people important to you. I pray that I will forever remember you as the man I loved with all my heart, but it was just the wrong love and the wrong time. I will continue praying for you, and I pray that you do the same for me.

The Saddest Words

"Do I love you? No, I don't love you. You're special to me, but I don't love you."

Fuck

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I don't have many major regrets in life, but not listening to you when we broke up was the biggest one. Why couldn't I have compromised? Why did I insist to end all of it? Why? Why Why Why was I such a selfish idiot?

Anger vs Sadness

Instead of getting angry, I get sad instead.

A was telling me last night: Will you please stop thinking about yourself? Will you please step back and think about how I feel?

I can't be angry at him. I can only feel sad for myself. It could be worse.

Breakdown

Last night, I had another breakdown.

I knew he wouldn't hold my hand willingly, he would never put his arm around me, or hug me. He won't even let me kiss him to say thank you. He turned his head so I'll only kiss his cheek.

Alcohol mellowed me down after the 2nd glass of wine. And while in line for the food, I saw him texting someone and I saw a lot of emojis in the text. He never texts me with a lot of emojis. My heart broke again. I went quiet and mellowed some more. He noticed and offered to get me another glass of wine. I didn't want to at first, but what the heck. I was sad.

And then we went to a bar because I asked him to. And he got me another glass of wine. And while looking at the beach and the people and all the happy couples, I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And he noticed and he said we were going home.

I followed him back to the car. He didn't hold my hand. He didn't put his arms around me. He didn't hug me. I walked behind him. My head down.

In the car, I was crying. I was apologizing. For everything. For loving him, for leaving, for feeling the way I feel, for crying, for being jealous, for ruining a good day, for my hysterics. For everything. And he doesn't want to hear it. He was angry at me. And he gave me cigarettes. He gave me friggin cigarettes. I wanted to hurt myself with them. And I did. I filled my weak lungs with poison. And I continued to cry.

I told him a lot of my ugly thoughts. How I believe he hates because I'm a bad person. How he couldn't love me because I'm ugly and fat. How he doesn't like me because I'm not nice. And of course he would deny it.

His words:
"I thought we could just be friends."
"Do friends kiss? Do you kiss your friends?"
"You're a special person. Do I hate you? No. Do I love you? No."
"I'm not ready to love anyone right now."
"I'm sorry I had sex with you. I didn't think you'd take it this way."
"Stop. You're making everything miserable."

And he asked me: "What do you need?"
I said: "You. I need you. I need you. I love you and I need you."

He said: "You don't love me. You don't even know me."

And that's where he's wrong. That's when my heart calmed down. Because he's wrong. I may not know every little detail of his life, but I know him. I know him with every little detail of mine.

And I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to show more emotions. I wanted him to finally be honest with me. Again. I wanted to threaten him. I wanted to make him worry. I wanted him to care about me.

So he drove me home. And I walked away. And he never followed me. Which I knew he would never do. And I died last night. A part of me died.

How many times will I have to feel parts of me die from loving someone who doesn't care one bit about me? It's a sad life.

Sad Fact

If only he knows the things I do for him... would it make any difference? He wouldn't care at all.

Someway, Somehow

Tonight, I am crying again. I'm so happy to see you, to be with you. At the same time I'm so sad and regretful that I left before. I wish we could turn back time. To the time where I can freely hold your hand. Where i can kiss you and hug you and love you. And I love you. I still do. I never stopped. And I think no matter what, I will still always love you some way, somehow.

But tonight I have decided to stay strong and patient. I prayed for this. I prayed for another chance to even just get a glimpse of you. And I was given so much more. So I will stay grateful. And someway, somehow, I hope you still feel my love.

I keep thinking why you decided to respond to me positively when I reached out my olive branch. I overthink obviously. You can still have a tinge of feelings for me. Or you may just be using me to pass the time. And I am using you. I am using you to feel less lonely and alone. I am using you to make me feel like i miss you less. To make me hallucinate that there could still be an us in the future. I am so foolish and hopeless. But I do love you.

Underestimates

I think the problem with me is that I have always underestimated your feelings towards me while making a big deal of my own. Hence I do not deserve your love that's why I don't have it. I'm sorry.

Idiot

I am so stupid for loving you.

I am so so so stupid for still loving you after all this time.

Fuck. What is wrong with me.

One More Try

Lord,

Please give me another chance to be with him. Please, please, please. I'm not gonna demand for anything. I just want to spend these last 3 months here with him. Please, Lord. Please.

Just Wanted to Say "Hi, How Are You?"

A friend told me to grieve; to do whatever it takes to get through this... even begging him to come back. Saturday night I drunk texted him, and he obviously never responded. Today I just decided to brave through all my apprehensions and send that "Hey you" text. I never expected him to respond again. And the moment I saw his name come up on my notifications, I just started bawling.

I told him I just wanted to say hi, how are you. He said he's okay and said good night. I guess that was it. He hates me now. I hate my life. I hate it. I hate myself. Oh my gosh. I hate myself so much. Why did I leave him in the first place. Why why why. I hate myself.

I didn't actually just want to say hi. I wanted to say: I love you. I miss you. Please take me back. :(

Tick tock

I cant believe it hasnt even been 3 weeks yet. It feels like it's already been months.

I Feel So Dead Inside

There is this vast emptiness inside me that I wish would go away. Surrounding it is a crazy sense of hope though; that A will come back and share with me the happiness that I found with him again. As the weeks pass, I know it's a crazy thought. He's not a knight in shining armor who would just come in and save this distressed damsel.

I keep praying he's okay. I really hope he is. Sometimes I even imagine that he's doing so much better now that I'm out of his life. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I would rather see him happy than sad. If what I'm going through now is what he was going through before with his ex, then it really sucks. Ha. I don't even know. I guess this is why it's better that we're not together anymore.

I need a hug

Why does it feel like months have passed when it has only been days. It hasn't even been a fortnight. But my heart is aching for you like I haven't seen you in years. I miss you so much, A. I miss you very very very much.

I want us to stop this fighting and just love each other forever. But how crazy is that.

Life and Love

Life is not getting any easier. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. I used to think that happiness is ALWAYS a choice. But sometimes, life makes the choice for us and it chooses to lead us to other paths. And it's even harder to be happy when there's a gaping hole in your heart that you're struggling to stitch together. But such is life - our pains, our struggles, our tears - they all exist to remind us that we are only human, and not superheroes. Although some of us should be because they've endured through so much worse and still keep on trying. I can only hope to emulate their perseverance and love for life.

I have so many thoughts that keep me up at night. A lot of my suffering comes from thinking about all the people I've given up on. There were people I was glad to be rid of. But most of them I regret to have given up on. And a few of them will always haunt me as part of my life's many "what if's". What if I was more understanding? What if I was more patient? What if I was stronger? What if I don't let my pride get in the way? What if I loved them more?

I thought I was a big advocate of the whole "Love Wins" movement. But I guess I'm really not. I failed love. I was selfish. I was too cowardly to open myself up more. I was weak. My heart got a beating a few times and I gave up. The giving up part really gets to me. Did I not love them enough? Am I not capable of doing more for the people I claim to love? What happened to all the love I thought I had in my heart?

Another Prayer

Dearest Lord,

Please help A become a stronger and kinder person after everything that he has to go through. I may just have been a blip in his radar, but he had been the satellite in mine, and he deserves so so much.

I hope you make him realize what a good person he is, that he is worthy of being loved unconditionally. I wish it could have been me to show him that kind of love, but it is not to be. At least, not yet.

I miss him so much already, Lord. It's only been 2 days but it feels like it has already been years. I'm still hoping that I made the right decision for us. But it's only you who knows this. I hope in the future, our paths would cross again, when we're already better people. And who knows. Love is crazy.

A, Please Be Strong For Us

Dear Lord,

I know I don't often thank you for a lot of the blessings that you've given me. But my heart is really full of gratitude. Despite all the heartaches, thank you for giving me the strength to continue loving myself and the strength to push through all the tough times.

Lord, I wish that you can help A through all this as well. If it's hard for me, I'm sure it's so much harder for him. A lot of people has abandoned him already, and I added myself to the list. He must be devastated right now. He acts cool, but he has a gentle and loving heart, and I know it. And I know he doesn't want to let me go just yet. But I kinda needed to protect myself too. Although now that we're done, I wanna take everything back and just be with him to support him through this. But I can't turn back time. So now, I ask you Lord to please please please take care of A. Please give him the strength to get through this with a better patched heart. My love had been weak. But im not gonna stop loving him just yet. And so I ask you to please show him that he's loved enough, and is worthy of that love.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm the selfish one. I couldn't be strong enough to help you get through what you're going through. I just don't want to let myself think that maybe we'll see each other again and raise my hopes up because I know myself l, and I would hope pretty badly.

I love you, okay? I love you very very much. Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. I wish I could say it to you over and over again forever. I wish I could have told you sooner. But it's a burden that I don't want you to carry. And no matter what, please know that I believe that you're worth it. That you're worth loving. You're enough no matter what you think of yourself right now. But like what you said, I'm just not the right one for you. It's hard to swallow but I am trying to accept that and move on.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I couldn't express my emotions clearly. And I'm sorry for sending this, but I need you to know that I am really sorry for abandoning you like this, again. But nobody is gonna save me but me right now. So I'm sorry for being selfish.

Thank you for everything. I had been very very very happy with you. And I really do hope that you find yourself, Adam. I wish I could help you find the happiness that you seek, but it's only you who can find it for yourself. Even though I can't see you anymore, please know that I will be praying for you every day - that you can finally be happy and feel peace.

Good night, A. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Why Not

Last night, I tried to break up with A and failed. I just couldn't bring myself to speak up because the truth is, I really really really just wanna be with him.

So I texted him instead. And he said we'll talk. What is there to talk about? He'll just charm me. And I'm weak when it comes to him. Everything is so hard.

Another Goodbye Letter

I wish there was an easier way out of this. Some way where my heart doesn't break into tiny little pieces every time I think about you - which is all the time.

It's sad that I never really listened to what you had to say until now. Or at least I refused to before. I could have saved myself from further falling in love with you. But see, I was a coward. I couldn't even tell you I love you. I was so afraid of so many things. I was so afraid that if I tell you I loved you, I'll lose you completely. And yet, I still end up losing you.

So I guess now, I'm forcing myself to stay away. I can't do this anymore. I give up. I love you, but I love myself too. And I loved myself first, so I think it's time that I give myself the love you refuse to give me. I've already given you more than a year of my heart and my love. I've thought I was strong enough to love you without wanting you to love me back, that I was strong enough to be with you and not be my true self. I was wrong - again.

I guess there are just so many wrong things about this relationship that you even refuse to call it one. So now, I'm giving myself the love I deserve. I'm sad that I couldn't be the one to give you what you're looking for. But you know what? I am enough. I am worthy. And you could have been too. I thought that for the longest time. But love, I've learned is a two way street. I'm almost empty myself. And I don't want to be. I don't deserve someone who texts me when its convenient for him, who never calls me, who I get to see only once a week if I'm lucky, who was never interested in spending any significant amount of time for us to get to know each other, who doesn't want to have sex with me but wouldn't mind a blowjob every now and then, who never introduced me to anybody in his life, who never appreciated the effort I went through just to come back and stay, and someone who never thought I was important enough.

So I'm saying goodbye.

Thank you for the feels. I wish I can say thank you for making me feel wanted, appreciated, loved and beautiful. Unfortunately, I can't. The memories aren't even very memorable now. But thank you nonetheless. And I really do hope that you find the happiness and peace that you are looking for soon.