It sucks to admit that I look you up on Facebook every time, just to check if you're online and if this was going to be the day that you reply back to me.
I want to tell you so many things about my life here, my plans, and a million other insignificant stuff. I want you to tell me about your life too. Even the small details about what you had for dinner last night, and basically just everything about you. I want to soak up all the information I can get to ease the loneliness I've been feeling. I want so many things, and you don't; and I guess that's where the problem lies.
I wanna hug you real tight, I want to kiss you and be with you again. I wanna hold hands with you. I wanna see you smile, I wanna hear you laugh. I wanna snuggle up to you and tell you that you smell so good. I wanna watch another random movie, or pretend to read a book while we hang out at the book store. And I really just wanna be with you. And it really hurts that I can't do that, and might never be able to do that again with you. And it hurts even more that I'm unsure about the whole thing. And it's really the "might" that's killing me.
Before I left, I asked you if you were still interested in the two of us. And you said, definitely. And if you weren't, you'd tell me. And I'd held on to that. And when I left you told me that the potential of me leaving was the reason you didn't want to be serious with me. But that you'd miss me and you'd get in touch. And then you didn't. I'd held on and you didn't, and you broke my heart into a million little pieces. Why did you make me fall for you? Why did I let myself fall for you when I knew I was gonna leave?
But then I know I hurt you first. And now you've hurt me. And I guess we're even. But nobody won. And I lost really badly.
Why couldn't it be simple enough? I like you, you like me... Why can't we be together even if we're at opposite ends of the world? I did tell you I'm going to return soon. But I guess that wasn't enough. I guess I'm not good enough. And it's just so sad. Because I do love you. And I do miss you. And I do wish you were here, or that I was there. But it didn't work out, so I have to live with it.
I want closure though. I need it. Otherwise, I'll just hope and hope and hope that you'd change your mind and might talk to me more, and even date me again when I come back. So if you're not planning to do any of that, I need you to tell me that whatever we had, that it's gone now. And you're not going back there and doing it again. That you've decided to move on with your life again and decided not to make me a part of it. I need you to be man enough to call me and tell it to me straight. Or at least to finally unfriend me on Facebook (because I couldn't do it) so I can stop looking you up and stop wondering about the "what if's". It would hurt - probably would hurt more than what I'm going through right now. But then again, at least I'd be convinced that it's really finally over. So I'd stop hoping, and eventually stop hurting. And maybe, you too. And then we can move on our merry ways and find someone else to make us happy.
But then again, I'd have to say now that I'd never forget you and all the things that you made me feel. And I'd also like you to know that I'm very very very sorry for hurting you in the first place. I didn't want to, but I didn't know how. But I did love you, at least a little bit. And I wished it could've worked out better for the both of us. Because you made me happy when we were together. And you made me feel beautiful and funny and smart and just really happy for a while. And I hope I did the same things for you too, even just a little bit. Because I really like you and I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if it's not with me.
So yes. Closure, I guess that's what I need. And I hope, wish, PRAY, that you can give me that. Just reply and tell me. Or reply and don't say you miss me. Or just tell me something and I'll know. Instead of not doing anything and making me wonder all the time.
Or maybe, you don't need to do anything anymore. No more messages, no more likes on posts, nothing more. Maybe I'd finally get the message and try to move on as you have. I might finally even have the courage to unfriend you one day. While I want you to be happy, I don't think I have it in me to not break down when I see you on Facebook happy with someone else. I don't think I'll ever be that strong. You would forever be the one that got away, and I think that will stay with me forever.
But yeah. I guess this is goodbye for me now. I guess this was the closure o was looking for coz you might not be able to give it to me from your end. So yeah. Another goodbye for you. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please be happy. Goodbye, A.
