Ciao

I don't think I can continue seeing you anymore. I feel like I'm a fish out of water. I'm just not made up for these casual uncommitted dating thing.  

When we talked last time, I thought I could do it. I had been willing to try. But it turns out I can't. 

I don't feel like I can stand waiting around for someone who couldn't even give me the time of day anymore. Who couldn't even be bothered to go with me to at least one thing I wanted to do, and that took me all the courage I had to issue an invitation. Who doesn't call me anymore.

I think we're both nice and good people; and I really did, I do, like you. But I'm hurt at what seems like a lack of effort to spend time together from your end, and it's not a very nice feeling to have to deal with these past few weeks. 

I know we met online, but I've never been one for hook ups. I guess I've told you that. And I also said before that while I don't want to get married anytime soon, I'm looking for something serious down the line. And you said you were on a similar boat. The potential made me feel better, excited even, despite my apprehensions. 

But then again you said you needed some time to think about things and work on yourself after your last relationship. But did I listen? Stupid me expected so much more than you were willing to give at this time, I guess. And I'm sorry for that.

All I wanted though was to hang out with you and get to know you better. But now I'm finally taking a hint, and letting you be.  

I hope you find someone you'd be willing to spend most of your time with getting know each other; Who's not gonna pepper you with random invites to hangout with random strangers in the faraway city. Someone who has a car so you won't have to drive all the time; Someone who can do the singing while you play the guitar. And especially someone who'll see you through the end of the tunnel and put a permanent smile on your face. 

I enjoyed getting to know you and thank you for always being nice to me. I hope you can cross your fingers and wish me luck too. 

Ciao, A.

Crash and Burn

When I moved here, I wanted to explore the dating world. It was something I never did before. I didn't to fall in love or get attached with anyone. Living practically next door to NYC, I thought of myself as a Samantha or a Carrie. But more of the former, I hoped. 

It felt awesome when I started. I never really get any romantic or sexual attention back home, but it was different here. I met people, I went out on dates, and I even managed to pop that cherry before the year ended. 

And then I decided I wasn't cut out for multi-dating. I couldn't really be Samantha even if I want to. And so I decided to focus my attention on someone who clicked many of my boxes. It went great the first few weeks and then it slowly went downhill. Until now, I still feel like I'm driving on black ice and in danger of crashing soon. But I couldn't get away yet. There's a pileup in front of me, and the breaks suddenly stopped working. I hate it. I wanna get off the interstate and go back to the local roads where it's safer. The highway is a mad house. Nobody cares about what you feel. People are there to serve their own purpose.

I couldn't complain though. I decided to drive in the highway. And I was one of those drivers. Or at least I tried to be. And I had a chance of getting off the ramp earlier on. Now I'm stuck. And I hate it. I don't wanna crash, but I think that's where I'm headed.

So this is how heartbreak and breaking up feels like. I think this is even worse. Because we aren't even officially together. Dating sucks. I want a real relationship. I'm too old for this shit.

Crash and burn.