Closure

5 weeks later and I still find myself crying over you. I miss you so much. Soooooo much. And it hurts me that you don't seem to care at all. While I still couldn't stop thinking about you. 

It sucks to admit that I look you up on Facebook every time, just to check if you're online and if this was going to be the day that you reply back to me. 

I want to tell you so many things about my life here, my plans, and a million other insignificant stuff. I want you to tell me about your life too. Even the small details about what you had for dinner last night, and basically just everything about you. I want to soak up all the information I can get to ease the loneliness I've been feeling. I want so many things, and you don't; and I guess that's where the problem lies. 

I wanna hug you real tight, I want to kiss you and be with you again. I wanna hold hands with you. I wanna see you smile, I wanna hear you laugh. I wanna snuggle up to you and tell you that you smell so good. I wanna watch another random movie, or pretend to read a book while we hang out at the book store. And I really just wanna be with you. And it really hurts that I can't do that, and might never be able to do that again with you. And it hurts even more that I'm unsure about the whole thing. And it's really the "might" that's killing me. 

Before I left, I asked you if you were still interested in the two of us. And you said, definitely. And if you weren't, you'd tell me. And I'd held on to that. And when I left you told me that the potential of me leaving was the reason you didn't want to be serious with me. But that you'd miss me and you'd get in touch. And then you didn't. I'd held on and you didn't, and you broke my heart into a million little pieces. Why did you make me fall for you? Why did I let myself fall for you when I knew I was gonna leave? 

But then I know I hurt you first. And now you've hurt me. And I guess we're even. But nobody won. And I lost really badly. 

Why couldn't it be simple enough? I like you, you like me... Why can't we be together even if we're at opposite ends of the world? I did tell you I'm going to return soon. But I guess that wasn't enough. I guess I'm not good enough. And it's just so sad. Because I do love you. And I do miss you. And I do wish you were here, or that I was there. But it didn't work out, so I have to live with it.

I want closure though. I need it. Otherwise, I'll just hope and hope and hope that you'd change your mind and might talk to me more, and even date me again when I come back. So if you're not planning to do any of that, I need you to tell me that whatever we had, that it's gone now. And you're not going back there and doing it again. That you've decided to move on with your life again and decided not to make me a part of it. I need you to be man enough to call me and tell it to me straight. Or at least to finally unfriend me on Facebook (because I couldn't do it) so I can stop looking you up and stop wondering about the "what if's". It would hurt - probably would hurt more than what I'm going through right now. But then again, at least I'd be convinced that it's really finally over. So I'd stop hoping, and eventually stop hurting. And maybe, you too. And then we can move on our merry ways and find someone else to make us happy. 

But then again, I'd have to say now that I'd never forget you and all the things that you made me feel. And I'd also like you to know that I'm very very very sorry for hurting you in the first place. I didn't want to, but I didn't know how. But I did love you, at least a little bit. And I wished it could've worked out better for the both of us. Because you made me happy when we were together. And you made me feel beautiful and funny and smart and just really happy for a while. And I hope I did the same things for you too, even just a little bit. Because I really like you and I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if it's not with me. 

So yes. Closure, I guess that's what I need. And I hope, wish, PRAY, that you can give me that. Just reply and tell me. Or reply and don't say you miss me. Or just tell me something and I'll know. Instead of not doing anything and making me wonder all the time. 

Or maybe, you don't need to do anything anymore. No more messages, no more likes on posts, nothing more. Maybe I'd finally get the message and try to move on as you have. I might finally even have the courage to unfriend you one day. While I want you to be happy, I don't think I have it in me to not break down when I see you on Facebook happy with someone else. I don't think I'll ever be that strong. You would forever be the one that got away, and I think that will stay with me forever. 

But yeah. I guess this is goodbye for me now. I guess this was the closure o was looking for coz you might not be able to give it to me from your end. So yeah. Another goodbye for you. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please be happy. Goodbye, A. 

Happy Birthday, You

It's so depressing. I'm pretty sure he's out with friends again tonight for his birthday celebration, and nope I did not get an invite. Well, who am I anyway but his casual winter fling. Dammit.

Gosh. I know I shouldn't like him so much. And that I shouldn't expect anything - as in totally nothing - from him. But why do I still do it? Why do I still hope that he'll come around to liking me as much as I like him and prioritizing me in his life especially since I'm leaving? 

It doesn't make sense even to me, but that's how I feel. And I hate it. After today, I'm just gonna let him go and wish him all the best. Besides, I leave on Friday anyway. It would have been nice to spend these last 4 days together but I'm sure it's unfair for him - and even for me - if it was done grudgingly. 

It's still really very sad. Huhuhu. But happy birthday you. Half the time I wanna kiss you, and the other half I just wanna kill you. But I still wish you well. 

Ciao

I don't think I can continue seeing you anymore. I feel like I'm a fish out of water. I'm just not made up for these casual uncommitted dating thing.  

When we talked last time, I thought I could do it. I had been willing to try. But it turns out I can't. 

I don't feel like I can stand waiting around for someone who couldn't even give me the time of day anymore. Who couldn't even be bothered to go with me to at least one thing I wanted to do, and that took me all the courage I had to issue an invitation. Who doesn't call me anymore.

I think we're both nice and good people; and I really did, I do, like you. But I'm hurt at what seems like a lack of effort to spend time together from your end, and it's not a very nice feeling to have to deal with these past few weeks. 

I know we met online, but I've never been one for hook ups. I guess I've told you that. And I also said before that while I don't want to get married anytime soon, I'm looking for something serious down the line. And you said you were on a similar boat. The potential made me feel better, excited even, despite my apprehensions. 

But then again you said you needed some time to think about things and work on yourself after your last relationship. But did I listen? Stupid me expected so much more than you were willing to give at this time, I guess. And I'm sorry for that.

All I wanted though was to hang out with you and get to know you better. But now I'm finally taking a hint, and letting you be.  

I hope you find someone you'd be willing to spend most of your time with getting know each other; Who's not gonna pepper you with random invites to hangout with random strangers in the faraway city. Someone who has a car so you won't have to drive all the time; Someone who can do the singing while you play the guitar. And especially someone who'll see you through the end of the tunnel and put a permanent smile on your face. 

I enjoyed getting to know you and thank you for always being nice to me. I hope you can cross your fingers and wish me luck too. 

Ciao, A.

Crash and Burn

When I moved here, I wanted to explore the dating world. It was something I never did before. I didn't to fall in love or get attached with anyone. Living practically next door to NYC, I thought of myself as a Samantha or a Carrie. But more of the former, I hoped. 

It felt awesome when I started. I never really get any romantic or sexual attention back home, but it was different here. I met people, I went out on dates, and I even managed to pop that cherry before the year ended. 

And then I decided I wasn't cut out for multi-dating. I couldn't really be Samantha even if I want to. And so I decided to focus my attention on someone who clicked many of my boxes. It went great the first few weeks and then it slowly went downhill. Until now, I still feel like I'm driving on black ice and in danger of crashing soon. But I couldn't get away yet. There's a pileup in front of me, and the breaks suddenly stopped working. I hate it. I wanna get off the interstate and go back to the local roads where it's safer. The highway is a mad house. Nobody cares about what you feel. People are there to serve their own purpose.

I couldn't complain though. I decided to drive in the highway. And I was one of those drivers. Or at least I tried to be. And I had a chance of getting off the ramp earlier on. Now I'm stuck. And I hate it. I don't wanna crash, but I think that's where I'm headed.

So this is how heartbreak and breaking up feels like. I think this is even worse. Because we aren't even officially together. Dating sucks. I want a real relationship. I'm too old for this shit.

Crash and burn.