Roller Coaster

Finally, the urge to write.

Several times I've tried to start writing, and every time my mind comes up blank. There are definitely lots of ideas, but there were not enough words and emotions to back them up to be realized. But tonight is different.

Tonight I spent time with my best friends. And as I sat and talked to them, I realized how lucky I was to know for sure that those friends are the people who I can always count on to love me for whoever I was. I was secured with the fact that no matter what, they would always love and accept me.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

I have been going through some very emotional stuff these past few months. It's been a roller coaster ride and until now, I still don't know which way is up. I have had no time to cry, I have had no time to let it all out. I feel so much, yet I have never learned how to share it with other people. I felt like everyone is moving on with their lives while I was stuck in a rut. I feared every good thing that happens because there will always be something bad to even it out. And I just felt so lonely, with nobody to share it with.

But tonight, I just felt so happy that I had the time to talk to catch up with my friends. We had superficial conversations of course, but it was so comforting for me to realize that no matter what I have these people in my life and they love me for who I am and will be there for me when I need them.

And yet, I still feel sad miserable and lonely. Can I steal someone for a while so I can talk and talk and talk all I want? And then they can all give me a hug and I'll even let them bully me afterwards.