Crashing and burning – things I am very afraid of. I’m pretty sure I haven’t fallen down to my knees yet despite the negativity of 2013. I’m still arrogant and pig-headed (and bodied) and stubborn. The world is at my fingers – who needs a career? who needs God? who needs people? I can depend on myself! Oh gosh. If only that was true. So why do I still keep thinking that way? It scares me, you know. My arrogance, this false positivity I impose on myself, I’m afraid it will be the death of me. and the fact is, I don’t want to die yet.
I’m scheduled to go out of the country with my grandmother next year – oops, mid of THIS year, I mean. [insert preferred emotion here] New Year by the way. So yes. the trip to Europe. and quite possibly to the US. I don’t even want to hope and think about it because it might get jinxed by some thing. The scariest of which (and it keeps popping into my head and I hate it) is my grandmother getting sick or worse, dying. I’m afraid that might happen because I expected too much and I don’t deserve it so the universe will conspire for me not to get it and my grandmother would suffer because I want it sooooo bad. Gosh. Please don’t give me Europe but please please please don’t let anything happen to my grandmother. all those countries can wait until I deserve it, until I finally earn it but it will ruin me if something happens to my grandma because of me. Or to any member of my family for that matter. the thought “take me instead of them” crossed my mind but I don’t even wanna entertain it as well because frankly, I don’t want to die yet and I can’t die yet. Although I’ve dreamt about my death many times. And to think I hate the topic of death completely because it breaks my heart. And I don’t want to think about it because “the universe” might get wind of it and conspire for it to happen and all those “the secret” shit. but then again, opening up here (where I assume no one can read) is actually some sort of “exorcism” of those bad thoughts. the thoughts have finally been translated into words and is out of my system already – at least the bulk of the worry. But really. In my current state of drowning, I should really make more effort to make it to the top instead of finding a foothold in the middle of this deep deep hole.
It’s 2014 now. And life could be so much better. All the doors of opportunity are within looking distance and I really need to work on it so I will deserve it and take these opportunities without feeling any guilt.
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