On Endings

I like endings. Most people like beginnings, but I think I like endings better. It’s not just because I like being contrary (although I am that). I like because it means letting go; it means moving on; it means something is bound to change.

A lot of endings are painful, but many endings are worth looking forward to – like happy endings of fairy tales, like getting good marks at the end of the semester; like the end of the work day and finally leaving the office on a Friday night.

On 2013

2013 has been bittersweet for me. I mentioned that already in my previous blog. I guess it was more of the former than the latter if I base it on my general feelings all year round. Yes, there is the high from all the traveling I’ve done. But I have been downright disgruntled and mediocre about the rest of my life. I felt – feel – broken and disconnected. I am now very much aware of my flaws more than ever. Hence I am happy to leave 2013 behind me. Although I won’t even go and discuss being “a better me in 2014” and all that shit. All I can hope for at this point is to sweep all the broken pieces away and make do with the damaged self I have now.

Honestly, all this talk about endings scares me. I had very morbid thoughts last night and I don’t want to rethink them again today. But here I am thinking I am happy to leave 2013 behind me.

Why do people love to celebrate the New Year?

I don’t believe there is any significant historical background to the celebration of New Year’s Eve. It was born from capitalism – creating an unnecessary need and convincing the people of its importance. I mean, if people celebrate the “chance for a new beginning shit”, they could actually do that the rest of the year. There has been no statistical evidence to suggest that celebrating new year’s actually changed people’s lives, outlooks, wealth, etc. Or is there?

there is no way but up

Crashing and burning – things I am very afraid of. I’m pretty sure I haven’t fallen down to my knees yet despite the negativity of 2013. I’m still arrogant and pig-headed (and bodied) and stubborn. The world is at my fingers – who needs a career? who needs God? who needs people? I can depend on myself! Oh gosh. If only that was true. So why do I still keep thinking that way? It scares me, you know. My arrogance, this false positivity I impose on myself, I’m afraid it will be the death of me. and the fact is, I don’t want to die yet.

I’m scheduled to go out of the country with my grandmother next year – oops, mid of THIS year, I mean. [insert preferred emotion here] New Year by the way. So yes. the trip to Europe. and quite possibly to the US. I don’t even want to hope and think about it because it might get jinxed by some thing. The scariest of which (and it keeps popping into my head and I hate it) is my grandmother getting sick or worse, dying. I’m afraid that might happen because I expected too much and I don’t deserve it so the universe will conspire for me not to get it and my grandmother would suffer because I want it sooooo bad. Gosh. Please don’t give me Europe but please please please don’t let anything happen to my grandmother. all those countries can wait until I deserve it, until I finally earn it but it will ruin me if something happens to my grandma because of me. Or to any member of my family for that matter. the thought “take me instead of them” crossed my mind but I don’t even wanna entertain it as well because frankly, I don’t want to die yet and I can’t die yet. Although I’ve dreamt about my death many times. And to think I hate the topic of death completely because it breaks my heart. And I don’t want to think about it because “the universe” might get wind of it and conspire for it to happen and all those “the secret” shit. but then again, opening up here (where I assume no one can read) is actually some sort of “exorcism” of those bad thoughts. the thoughts have finally been translated into words and is out of my system already – at least the bulk of the worry. But really. In my current state of drowning, I should really make more effort to make it to the top instead of finding a foothold in the middle of this deep deep hole.

It’s 2014 now. And life could be so much better. All the doors of opportunity are within looking distance and I really need to work on it so I will deserve it and take these opportunities without feeling any guilt.