Virgin in the City

Living in the seat of the first world has greatly contributed to a boost on my self esteem! People (at least from online) think I look nice here, as opposed to being judged as fat and frumpy at home. And my hormones are responding to all that testosterone attention going my way. 

And so one afternoon a few weeks ago, I decided to meet up with a guy I've been talking to on OkCupid for an entire month. He's not my type at all (except he's tall) but he seemed really nice and respectful. We went to this bar at the next town and I guess I wouldn't shut up so he kept making me drink beer. And then we had shots of Capt Mo. While this was happening, he was already trying to hold my hand and all. I was a little bit tipsy at that point (at 7pm lol) and when he tried to kiss me, I just followed suit. Well, let's just say that night, I tried catching up with a lot of the dating milestones I've missed so far - in a sexual concept. He dropped me off at home and we continued flirting via text after that. 

What do you know. My inner slut was rejoicing at the attention. So earlier this week, we went out again and we ended up having pizza and "watching" a movie at his place. Little did I know that I would almost lose my virginity that night. 

Well, actually, I kinda thought it might happen. So I came prepared in my sexy underwear and clean shaven body. But mentally, I was telling myself not to let it get too far. I wanted to practice my make out skills, that's all. And besides, it was only our 2nd date. And I'm not that much of a slut. Plus, when I told my friends about our first date, they were slut shaming me about why I made out with him. I'm like, we are in 21st century America, people. But whatever. 

So yeah. When he was about to do it, I stopped him because a) I was slut shaming myself and b) I had an idea that I wanted a more romantic man and setting for my first time. A bit of effort wouldn't hurt. 

Honestly, this guy and I? We're not really compatible in any way. Like we have nothing to talk about. But I like the sexual attraction between us, you know. That's why I still went out with him. But then again, having nothing in common is actually one of the major reasons why I haven't let him pop that cherry yet. I want to have sex with some one who I'll see a few more times after, and actually enjoy a bit of dating or something. And then maybe I can just go and have one night stands after that. 

And I've been seeing and talking to a few other guys aside from him as well. And a couple of my friends are telling me to wait and choose. I mean other people sell their virginities for hundreds of dollars. The least I can do is lose mine to a decent enough guy. 

But on this cold Friday night, I just wish I could just scratch the itch and just go fuck somebody immediately. But alas, while this city is filled with willing guys, this virgin can't... At least not yet. 

Living Up to Expectations

Sometimes, I feel like I am not worth a penny for other people. And sometimes, I feel like people expect so much from me that I’m afraid I may never deliver.

I honestly need guidance and support. And sometimes I feel like I don’t get it from the “right” channels. Being in between jobs (and broke), I’m in one of the lowest points of my life at the moment. And I don’t need people telling me that I am not living up to their expectations of how I should be living my life. And it just sucks. And I feel left out. And my life is a complete mess!

I’m back!

I have been back in the country for a couple of days now, but I am still suffering from jet lag. My body clock is still operating on UK time – so here I am, wide awake at 5AM in Manila.

And because I’m still wide awake, I thought why not take this time to open the blog again and share my thoughts about things in general?I honestly have no idea what I want to share though. Maybe let’s start with the fact that I am now officially unemployed. My contract with my previous company ended June 24. Goodbye salary and stuff! I actually don’t know what to do with my life anymore. It’s crazy. You think you want something bad enough, and when you get to that situation, it all just blows up in your face. Crazy.

So now that I am officially at the mercy of my parents support again, I’m just generally in a state between shame and stress.Oh gosh.

Roller Coaster

Finally, the urge to write.

Several times I've tried to start writing, and every time my mind comes up blank. There are definitely lots of ideas, but there were not enough words and emotions to back them up to be realized. But tonight is different.

Tonight I spent time with my best friends. And as I sat and talked to them, I realized how lucky I was to know for sure that those friends are the people who I can always count on to love me for whoever I was. I was secured with the fact that no matter what, they would always love and accept me.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

I have been going through some very emotional stuff these past few months. It's been a roller coaster ride and until now, I still don't know which way is up. I have had no time to cry, I have had no time to let it all out. I feel so much, yet I have never learned how to share it with other people. I felt like everyone is moving on with their lives while I was stuck in a rut. I feared every good thing that happens because there will always be something bad to even it out. And I just felt so lonely, with nobody to share it with.

But tonight, I just felt so happy that I had the time to talk to catch up with my friends. We had superficial conversations of course, but it was so comforting for me to realize that no matter what I have these people in my life and they love me for who I am and will be there for me when I need them.

And yet, I still feel sad miserable and lonely. Can I steal someone for a while so I can talk and talk and talk all I want? And then they can all give me a hug and I'll even let them bully me afterwards.

Let It Go

I think… I THINK… I am quitting my job tomorrow. Who’s to say my mind won’t change overnight, right? But given that they will be serving me another NTE and the likely consequences, I think it is now time to move on. The future is bleak though. Now, more than ever, I am hoping that the UK Visa will be granted. At least I have a fall back plan. Otherwise, I don’t know what to do. They say things come in three’s. (After finally putting this on “paper”) I would like to think of this moving on as a blessing.  And then there’s my graduation. And then finally, the UK Visa! Yes, please.

Although I fear the realization of abovementioned. My God is a punishing God. During this season of holiness and sacrifice, I have not shown him any reverence. It mostly just stems through my apathy and the unreasonable rebellion against my parents wishes to see me in church. Is my God a forgiving God? I would like to think so. But would going to church and saying a prayer be enough to earn his forgiveness? I think, more than anything, I should spend more time thinking about this than all my future travel plans.

On Endings

I like endings. Most people like beginnings, but I think I like endings better. It’s not just because I like being contrary (although I am that). I like because it means letting go; it means moving on; it means something is bound to change.

A lot of endings are painful, but many endings are worth looking forward to – like happy endings of fairy tales, like getting good marks at the end of the semester; like the end of the work day and finally leaving the office on a Friday night.

On 2013

2013 has been bittersweet for me. I mentioned that already in my previous blog. I guess it was more of the former than the latter if I base it on my general feelings all year round. Yes, there is the high from all the traveling I’ve done. But I have been downright disgruntled and mediocre about the rest of my life. I felt – feel – broken and disconnected. I am now very much aware of my flaws more than ever. Hence I am happy to leave 2013 behind me. Although I won’t even go and discuss being “a better me in 2014” and all that shit. All I can hope for at this point is to sweep all the broken pieces away and make do with the damaged self I have now.

Honestly, all this talk about endings scares me. I had very morbid thoughts last night and I don’t want to rethink them again today. But here I am thinking I am happy to leave 2013 behind me.

Why do people love to celebrate the New Year?

I don’t believe there is any significant historical background to the celebration of New Year’s Eve. It was born from capitalism – creating an unnecessary need and convincing the people of its importance. I mean, if people celebrate the “chance for a new beginning shit”, they could actually do that the rest of the year. There has been no statistical evidence to suggest that celebrating new year’s actually changed people’s lives, outlooks, wealth, etc. Or is there?

there is no way but up

Crashing and burning – things I am very afraid of. I’m pretty sure I haven’t fallen down to my knees yet despite the negativity of 2013. I’m still arrogant and pig-headed (and bodied) and stubborn. The world is at my fingers – who needs a career? who needs God? who needs people? I can depend on myself! Oh gosh. If only that was true. So why do I still keep thinking that way? It scares me, you know. My arrogance, this false positivity I impose on myself, I’m afraid it will be the death of me. and the fact is, I don’t want to die yet.

I’m scheduled to go out of the country with my grandmother next year – oops, mid of THIS year, I mean. [insert preferred emotion here] New Year by the way. So yes. the trip to Europe. and quite possibly to the US. I don’t even want to hope and think about it because it might get jinxed by some thing. The scariest of which (and it keeps popping into my head and I hate it) is my grandmother getting sick or worse, dying. I’m afraid that might happen because I expected too much and I don’t deserve it so the universe will conspire for me not to get it and my grandmother would suffer because I want it sooooo bad. Gosh. Please don’t give me Europe but please please please don’t let anything happen to my grandmother. all those countries can wait until I deserve it, until I finally earn it but it will ruin me if something happens to my grandma because of me. Or to any member of my family for that matter. the thought “take me instead of them” crossed my mind but I don’t even wanna entertain it as well because frankly, I don’t want to die yet and I can’t die yet. Although I’ve dreamt about my death many times. And to think I hate the topic of death completely because it breaks my heart. And I don’t want to think about it because “the universe” might get wind of it and conspire for it to happen and all those “the secret” shit. but then again, opening up here (where I assume no one can read) is actually some sort of “exorcism” of those bad thoughts. the thoughts have finally been translated into words and is out of my system already – at least the bulk of the worry. But really. In my current state of drowning, I should really make more effort to make it to the top instead of finding a foothold in the middle of this deep deep hole.

It’s 2014 now. And life could be so much better. All the doors of opportunity are within looking distance and I really need to work on it so I will deserve it and take these opportunities without feeling any guilt.