Withdrawals.

This last weekend was a great time of reflection for me.

It was a combination of bad decisions, non-prioritization, and spending.

why do I keep doing things I’m not supposed to be doing? why don’t I do the things that I am supposed to do? what am I so afraid of? well, actually, that’s easy. I’m afraid of failing. Failing what, that I do not know. relationships? career? finances? everything? but the way I am handling things, I feel like I’d get there anyway. so I need a push to a different direction. I don’t know what will take me there. I really don’t. and at this point, is it bad that I don’t really care?

I have always thought that I am a strong person. I’ve honestly thought that I am beyond “suicidal thoughts”. So it surprised me to think of it as a possible solution to my problems. but I keep fighting it off with logic – because that’s what I am, if not irresponsible. I’m not close to choosing that solution, but I’m scared I’d end up doing that anyway. Not that I will, at this time. and it scares me even more that I have gone through that line of thinking. and that’s what’s bothering me the most. and then I realize that even the most resistant mind won’t be able to resist sometimes. Or maybe I was just reading too much Veronica Roth this weekend that my thoughts keep drifting to the morbid.

I guess I really just get carried away with the books I bury myself into. these past few weeks I’ve convinced myself that should I have undertaken the same aptitude test as Beatrice, I would be a divergent as well. and my dominant personalities would be Dauntless, Erudite, and Amity. I’m not so sure I’d get a score for Abnegation – I’m too vain and self-serving for them. and I lie too much to be Candor. but I try to be fearless, and I am a bit smart (if I may say so myself), and I like peacekeeping. So there you go. I told you I get carried away. and basically, I just feel like my life is running away from me, you know? and I met up with my best friends over the weekend and I realized that their lives are so much better than mine is. they have everything I wanted – a good job, a relationship, a future, savings. whatnots. how did I get to this point?

and then after thinking about all those dramas, I reason out with myself and adjudicate a debate in my head: negativity vs positivity. in public, it’s all about positivity. but when I am alone with my thoughts it’s all downhill from there. which leads me to my next digression. I am so tired of appearing so happy all the time. I am not a positive person anymore, okay? I have problems. I have a lot of worries running through my head. and I feel like the goddamn world just expects me to still be happy. what the fuck. and it’s sucking out all the positivity in me – all those expectations which comes from i-really-don’t-know boulevard. I just want peace and quiet and basically a change of pace.

I find this very hard to do because I’m wired to act in a certain chirpiness. and I’m not the type of person who talks about the bad things in my life. or when I do, I usually just try to pass it off as something unordinary. one thing that one of my best friends said a few years back really struck me. I talk a mile a minute, but I never talk about the important things in my life. that she feels like while I know everyone, they don’t really know me. I clam up every time my “down moments” come up. there was only that one time where I was so depressed I just texted everything I felt at that time. and it has never happened again. and I really just want to cry and break down and just cry for all the things that really matters but doesn’t seem like it. and just cry as hard as I can without being afraid of what people will think, of people thinking that I am weak and useless. and just cry for the sake of fucking crying and letting all the negativity inside me burst. but I guess now is not the time. my emotions are not yet overflowing, hence I can’t find it in me to show some physical manifestations of all my concerns. but I can feel it churning inside me and eating me up slowly.

sometimes, I want to just drive my car around and around and sometimes I think about what it would feel if I let it fly off the bridge. and sometimes, I stop myself from thinking it – afraid that I am going to end up doing something that I might not regret, but would make other people sad. and I guess that’s what’s keeping me up. I don’t like making people sad at the expense of my own personal celebration. and it sucks. sometimes. but I like seeing people happy. I enjoy laughter and stories and merry making in general. and I am lousy at being grumpy and depressed – although I am not doing a very bad job at it right now. but I’m glad I was able to let this out. I usually have a hard time organizing my emotions and putting words together to express my feelings, but this has been a good exercise. and it had been a reflective weekend.