One of Those Nights

I am having one of those nights where I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on too much brain activity. There are just a lot of things running through my mind right now and I can’t even make sense of any of it.

I honestly never thought that I’d reach this point where I’d question where I am supposed to go. After I found “my place in the world” back in High School, everything started going smoothly for me. My friends, my family, my little crushes, my education had been doing so well until I was in college. That was the last time that I was very sure of where I am heading – I have a direction in mind and no one can stop me getting there. And then I lost control of the driver seat. And so now, I feel like I am driving endlessly in roads that seem to have been abandoned. Who passes by this road I’m at right now? Based on the feel of the place, I don’t think anyone does. Although realistically, I’m sure a lot of people my age and going through the same roads I am going through right now. But I just can’t help but feel isolated, you know? My alpha self keeps telling me to get the reins to my life back, but I really don’t know how.

I guess I asked for this. when my life was perfect, I keep asking God why I don’t have the same problems as some of my peers have. Why was my life so happy and positive? Why was my life so easy? Why was I so accepting of the reality? why was I so ruthless? When would my problems come?

I am a great believer of balance. for every yin, there is a yang. what goes up, must come down. what goes around comes around. they may be clichés, but I believe them to be true. at that time, I keep looking for the delta side of things – I knew everything couldn’t be good or else the world will lose its balance. I wanted God to give me the downside of life at that point, in small doses because I knew then that if the good streak continues, then when it rains it will pour very hard. and I guess I am right.

God, indeed, listens to our prayers and the yearnings of our hearts. they may not come on the time where we expect them to, but they will come when it is time. for myself, I was waiting for the negatives. right now, I don’t know if I want to regret the decision of asking God to give me something major to work on. Now, my life is slowly starting to crumble around me like a the slow ruin of Athena’s Greek Temple. And I can only blame it on myself. But then again, I am also a firm believer that God never gives anybody a problem that they cannot overcome. So here I am, fighting through the storm and waiting for it to pass. and I’m not even intent on getting to any specific island. I just wanted a chance to escape and discover the world out there.