Looking Back

I wonder when this blog started to sound depressing… I’ve gone through some of my earlier posts and many of them were actually very positive and happy. Until they weren’t. Especially now.

I feel like a rug is being pulled from under me and I keep on falling… it won’t end.

Blank

I just want to get away from it all…..

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t trust myself anymore.

I just want to get away…

The Waiting Game

I never received their verdict on my violation last week. I wonder what’s in store for me.

Cosmic

My life has been slowly falling apart. I knew this was gonna happen. Sooner or later, the world would bite me in the face and now I feel like this is it. Or maybe not yet. But whatever. All I know is that I have expected this all along.

You know, life would always find a way to get back at you. While I am a Christian, I am a firm believer of the Karma. Maybe, not the after-life type, but basically the same concept. I have not been a good worker, and now I will pay the price for it.

I keep thinking about the “administrative hearing” on Thursday. I wanted to say something to M and T, but I do not really know how to put the thoughts into words. I want to get their idea, and their suggestions. But how to actually say it to them? Gosh. I hate this feeling of being afraid of being judged. This is what I get for being a judgmental bitch myself.

Bleak

My mood these past few days has been somber. I am at one of the lowest points in my life right now, and nobody even knows it. I just want my very best friends to develop at sixth sense about this so I don’t even have to tell them since I do not know how.

I just want to die on the spot right now. 4 more days until the big “hearing”. Damn it.

The Other Shoe Finally Dropped

I'm dreading next weekend. Finally, the other shoe has dropped. My boss got tired of my tardiness and served me with a "Notice to Explain" memo, and our HR Country Manager is flying in next month for an "administrative hearing".

But what can I say? See, I've been late since the first days of the job and I've been here for 1 year 3 months 25 days. I just wake up chronically late. I'm planning to just plead guilty which is the truth. I didn't even consider making up excuses after the initial panic. It was no contest. I haven't told anyone though. Which sucks. The parts that I dread the most:

• the embarrassment of having been served an NTE. i don't want the rest of the office finding out about it, but given the highly efficient grapevine, and my super noisy boss, i'm sure everyone will know. damn it.
• the part of having to explain myself. i don't like talking about myself and explaining my actions to people who don't matter. never have and never will. i hate it the most. the embarrassment is bearable. but i don't want to face the managers and explain. it would feel a lot like a test or an interview, and i don't like failing tests! arrrghhhh

speaking of interviews, i was scheduled for an interview this morning for a food brand. however, i wasn't ready, and so i turned my phone off and ignored the interview schedule. shit. i'm such a dumb ass. but i digress.

after this fiasco in the shipping industry, i am definitely getting a new job. if i don't get fired next week, i am going to resign before my trip in August. enough is enough. time to look for not necessarily greener, but less-rigid pastures. so i better not ignore those job interviews anymore. 

ahhh. glad to have that worry out of my chest. you've done it again anon blog.