On Best Friends

I think I am ready to admit that we are not really best friends. Although it’s kinda hard to do so because K and I had been friends for a long time and I don’t think our friendship needs any affirmation to consider it the best. But what’s a best friend really?

Do you really have to talk all the time? Do you really have to share everything in your life? Can’t you just be comfortable with each other, and happy with the knowledge that the other exists and will be there for you in case of troubles? But that’s the clincher, isn’t it? He was never there. So why do I think he is one of my best friends? Ah – these feelings that are remnants from a past where I was needy as hell. Heck, I’m still needy now. I even get jealous of him spending a lot of time with this new girl he is currently making his moves on. I just want a few hours with my friend just to catch up!

But anyway, I’ve always known I was the jealous and possessive type. And I like to pretend as if I am not affected when I really am.  Life sucks.

Writer Anonymous

As I still can’t find it in me to sleep. Allow me to be very random at this very ungodly hour of a (hopefully) great January morning.

The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it.

How very astute of Margaret Atwood. Personally, I like knowing that in the future, I will be reading what I’ve written down. Especially those that are in this blog – my personal escape from the chaos which likes to call itself “my life”. I’m not often here, but it’s nice to have an outlet for all the intense emotions I feel I cannot share with anybody else in the real world. I guess this is the cowardly way out – but it’s a way out and I’m going to grab the opportunity to do so when the need arises.

I guess I like writing to an audience who doesn’t know who I am – or so I assume. I can be as bitchy, as mean, as angry, as happy, as kilig as I can without having to worry about how it will come across to other people. In the real world, I feel like I am always treading on egg shells that I need to be careful and keep up a lively and perpetually happy persona. Honestly, it’s tiring as hell. It’s not easy being so positive all the time. But I guess I really can’t get that out of me. That’s the real world – and darling, that’s the real me to everyone I know. But as much as that person being me, I also could not discount the fact that the one writing here is also a part of me that’s just wanting to come out and explore its potential of becoming a better person that I currently am. But what is better? Ahhh. Life has so many difficult questions, yes? And I wonder… will we able to find answers? Or do we already have them with us?

But alas! I’m finally sleepy. All it takes, apparently, are some Aiza Seguerra and MYMP music. So I stop here and say Ciao bella! Hasta La Vista!

Indispensible

Here I go again with my jealous fits. It’s not as if I wasn’t invited – nor as if I am a girlfriend – nor do I want to. But I’ve always seen him as my best guy friend and I feel like I’m already unimportant to him. I basically just feel neglected and not valued and it’s making me crazy and jealous and so dramatic. Hmmmppphh..

So much for my first blog for 2013. Well hello there world. Welcome to my jealous and possessive life!

All I really want is to feel as if I’m important to somebody. But I never feel that way anymore. Apparently, it’s true what they say – no one is indispensable. And pretty much, I’m in the most indispensible phase of my life. It’s not even remotely funny.

I guess this all boils down to the lack of esteem I’ve been feeling lately. Maybe because I’ve been as fat as hell. But I’m going to change that this year. Operation: crash diet even if it kills me! Hopefully, by the middle of the year, I’d be feeling more like my usual jolly self and grab life by the reins again. Please let this just be a phase that I never have to go through again in the near future.

For the mean time, I really need to sleep if I hope to go to work on time tomorrow. Errrr – I mean later. Calling on to my happy vibes to soothe out my jealous self and sleep this all off. Everything, they say, is better in the morning. Cue sappy love music (OH GOSH WHYYYYYYYYY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF) and I am off.

P.S.

The one happy point of my day though was when I got a very random message from my *cough cough* first love (EEEEEWWWWW I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! OH YES I DID DARN IT) which made me really giddy as if I was an obsessive teenager WHICH I WAS OBVIOULY NOT (this is my blog and no one can say otherwise). How boring is my life?! Tell me?! The best I can do is moon (NOT EVEN THAT) over a supposedly long forgotten unrequited love! But all the same, he still makes my heart go *dugeun dugeun* harhar