Heart and Seoul

Everything seems to be falling apart. But I am still very thankful for every opportunity to escape.

Breaking the Rules

It’s 2AM on a Wednesday morning and I am supposed to be asleep already. For some reasons though, I seem to like breaking the rules – especially this one. My brain won’t stop working at this time of the night and I suffer from lack of sleep the next day. Given that my suspension just finished, this is crazy. I think I should just quit my job. Speaking of… I applied for a field sales position since M is leaving before the year ends. I don’t know. I have always believed that if you want something badly, it will come to you eventually. But for this decision, I’m not very sure if I want this enough – so the future is pretty unclear for me. Foggy. Messy. Crazy brain of mine. That said, will force myself to sleep again. Ciao.

Withdrawals.

This last weekend was a great time of reflection for me.

It was a combination of bad decisions, non-prioritization, and spending.

why do I keep doing things I’m not supposed to be doing? why don’t I do the things that I am supposed to do? what am I so afraid of? well, actually, that’s easy. I’m afraid of failing. Failing what, that I do not know. relationships? career? finances? everything? but the way I am handling things, I feel like I’d get there anyway. so I need a push to a different direction. I don’t know what will take me there. I really don’t. and at this point, is it bad that I don’t really care?

I have always thought that I am a strong person. I’ve honestly thought that I am beyond “suicidal thoughts”. So it surprised me to think of it as a possible solution to my problems. but I keep fighting it off with logic – because that’s what I am, if not irresponsible. I’m not close to choosing that solution, but I’m scared I’d end up doing that anyway. Not that I will, at this time. and it scares me even more that I have gone through that line of thinking. and that’s what’s bothering me the most. and then I realize that even the most resistant mind won’t be able to resist sometimes. Or maybe I was just reading too much Veronica Roth this weekend that my thoughts keep drifting to the morbid.

I guess I really just get carried away with the books I bury myself into. these past few weeks I’ve convinced myself that should I have undertaken the same aptitude test as Beatrice, I would be a divergent as well. and my dominant personalities would be Dauntless, Erudite, and Amity. I’m not so sure I’d get a score for Abnegation – I’m too vain and self-serving for them. and I lie too much to be Candor. but I try to be fearless, and I am a bit smart (if I may say so myself), and I like peacekeeping. So there you go. I told you I get carried away. and basically, I just feel like my life is running away from me, you know? and I met up with my best friends over the weekend and I realized that their lives are so much better than mine is. they have everything I wanted – a good job, a relationship, a future, savings. whatnots. how did I get to this point?

and then after thinking about all those dramas, I reason out with myself and adjudicate a debate in my head: negativity vs positivity. in public, it’s all about positivity. but when I am alone with my thoughts it’s all downhill from there. which leads me to my next digression. I am so tired of appearing so happy all the time. I am not a positive person anymore, okay? I have problems. I have a lot of worries running through my head. and I feel like the goddamn world just expects me to still be happy. what the fuck. and it’s sucking out all the positivity in me – all those expectations which comes from i-really-don’t-know boulevard. I just want peace and quiet and basically a change of pace.

I find this very hard to do because I’m wired to act in a certain chirpiness. and I’m not the type of person who talks about the bad things in my life. or when I do, I usually just try to pass it off as something unordinary. one thing that one of my best friends said a few years back really struck me. I talk a mile a minute, but I never talk about the important things in my life. that she feels like while I know everyone, they don’t really know me. I clam up every time my “down moments” come up. there was only that one time where I was so depressed I just texted everything I felt at that time. and it has never happened again. and I really just want to cry and break down and just cry for all the things that really matters but doesn’t seem like it. and just cry as hard as I can without being afraid of what people will think, of people thinking that I am weak and useless. and just cry for the sake of fucking crying and letting all the negativity inside me burst. but I guess now is not the time. my emotions are not yet overflowing, hence I can’t find it in me to show some physical manifestations of all my concerns. but I can feel it churning inside me and eating me up slowly.

sometimes, I want to just drive my car around and around and sometimes I think about what it would feel if I let it fly off the bridge. and sometimes, I stop myself from thinking it – afraid that I am going to end up doing something that I might not regret, but would make other people sad. and I guess that’s what’s keeping me up. I don’t like making people sad at the expense of my own personal celebration. and it sucks. sometimes. but I like seeing people happy. I enjoy laughter and stories and merry making in general. and I am lousy at being grumpy and depressed – although I am not doing a very bad job at it right now. but I’m glad I was able to let this out. I usually have a hard time organizing my emotions and putting words together to express my feelings, but this has been a good exercise. and it had been a reflective weekend.

One of Those Nights

I am having one of those nights where I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on too much brain activity. There are just a lot of things running through my mind right now and I can’t even make sense of any of it.

I honestly never thought that I’d reach this point where I’d question where I am supposed to go. After I found “my place in the world” back in High School, everything started going smoothly for me. My friends, my family, my little crushes, my education had been doing so well until I was in college. That was the last time that I was very sure of where I am heading – I have a direction in mind and no one can stop me getting there. And then I lost control of the driver seat. And so now, I feel like I am driving endlessly in roads that seem to have been abandoned. Who passes by this road I’m at right now? Based on the feel of the place, I don’t think anyone does. Although realistically, I’m sure a lot of people my age and going through the same roads I am going through right now. But I just can’t help but feel isolated, you know? My alpha self keeps telling me to get the reins to my life back, but I really don’t know how.

I guess I asked for this. when my life was perfect, I keep asking God why I don’t have the same problems as some of my peers have. Why was my life so happy and positive? Why was my life so easy? Why was I so accepting of the reality? why was I so ruthless? When would my problems come?

I am a great believer of balance. for every yin, there is a yang. what goes up, must come down. what goes around comes around. they may be clichés, but I believe them to be true. at that time, I keep looking for the delta side of things – I knew everything couldn’t be good or else the world will lose its balance. I wanted God to give me the downside of life at that point, in small doses because I knew then that if the good streak continues, then when it rains it will pour very hard. and I guess I am right.

God, indeed, listens to our prayers and the yearnings of our hearts. they may not come on the time where we expect them to, but they will come when it is time. for myself, I was waiting for the negatives. right now, I don’t know if I want to regret the decision of asking God to give me something major to work on. Now, my life is slowly starting to crumble around me like a the slow ruin of Athena’s Greek Temple. And I can only blame it on myself. But then again, I am also a firm believer that God never gives anybody a problem that they cannot overcome. So here I am, fighting through the storm and waiting for it to pass. and I’m not even intent on getting to any specific island. I just wanted a chance to escape and discover the world out there.

Should I or Shouldn’t I

I’m glad I finally found the time to talk to my dad tonight. I told him that if we get that US Visa, I’m quitting my job and going with them to the States for a while. And he was okay with it. Yes!

See, remember that “judgment day” I was dreading a couple of months back? Well, it finally caught up on me and I was served with a 10-day suspension from consistent tardiness yesterday. But my boss who can’t seem to function without me (chos) decided to break it down to 2 days a week – midweek. Such an evil bitch. She obviously didn’t want me to have extended weekends. Boo. Anyway, I’ll be on suspension for the entire month of July beginning next week, so I will finally be able to do my errands! My driver’s license have been expired for almost 2 years now, I need to get a new one so I will, yay!

But but but, the most immediate problem for me is that I will be going on leave on Tuesday – I was planning to declare it as a sick leave. But then I’m suspended on Wednesday and Thursday sooooo…. the boss won’t have me for 3 days! Ooops. I was thinking if I should open up to her about it and exchange my suspension for Tuesday and Wednesday. Would she bite it? Hmmm. I don’t think so. I’ll just declare it as a sick leave then. Bahala na si Batman!

Lord… just please please please let me have this interview :/

Irrationality

They say that things always look brighter in the morning. And I do believe that. But I also believe that it’s better to lay your troubles on the table before going to sleep.

I hate nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares recently. I think I’ll have one again tonight. This day has been expected unexpectedly.

I’ll take this one with a grain of salt. I’m crossing my fingers that things will work out for the better.

Just Because

Hello. This is going to be a happy post just because I spent all day in bed and I had pizza for dinner.

Our dogs turned 2 weeks old yesterday! It seems like they’ve been with us forever! It’s so exciting to finally see them open their eyes and try walking around. They are the cutest pups!

Plus S & R recently opened in Davao. As expected, my parents wasted no time to go there. Hence, our overflowing fridge! So happiness indeed.

One Way or Another

For some reasons, I’m just feeling “off” tonight. It’s not totally negative, but it feels weird. Being “off”. I can’t even figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m just super restless tonight.

My hands were itching earlier. I wanted to do something and I had so many thoughts running in my head. I thought it was because I wanted to get out a pen and paper and write down whatever randomness I concoct. But when I had the pen in hand, I didn’t know what to do with it. So I just started doodling. But then it wasn’t enough. I don’t know what to draw or sketch so I didn’t. It’s crazy!!!

But it doesn’t end there. Presenting tonight’s theme song:

Because I’m too cool for mainstream One Direction. LOL.

I think the song is apt for me tonight. I’m in a “rock and roll” alcohol and drugs mood.

Looking Back

I wonder when this blog started to sound depressing… I’ve gone through some of my earlier posts and many of them were actually very positive and happy. Until they weren’t. Especially now.

I feel like a rug is being pulled from under me and I keep on falling… it won’t end.

Blank

I just want to get away from it all…..

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t trust myself anymore.

I just want to get away…

The Waiting Game

I never received their verdict on my violation last week. I wonder what’s in store for me.

Cosmic

My life has been slowly falling apart. I knew this was gonna happen. Sooner or later, the world would bite me in the face and now I feel like this is it. Or maybe not yet. But whatever. All I know is that I have expected this all along.

You know, life would always find a way to get back at you. While I am a Christian, I am a firm believer of the Karma. Maybe, not the after-life type, but basically the same concept. I have not been a good worker, and now I will pay the price for it.

I keep thinking about the “administrative hearing” on Thursday. I wanted to say something to M and T, but I do not really know how to put the thoughts into words. I want to get their idea, and their suggestions. But how to actually say it to them? Gosh. I hate this feeling of being afraid of being judged. This is what I get for being a judgmental bitch myself.

Bleak

My mood these past few days has been somber. I am at one of the lowest points in my life right now, and nobody even knows it. I just want my very best friends to develop at sixth sense about this so I don’t even have to tell them since I do not know how.

I just want to die on the spot right now. 4 more days until the big “hearing”. Damn it.

The Other Shoe Finally Dropped

I'm dreading next weekend. Finally, the other shoe has dropped. My boss got tired of my tardiness and served me with a "Notice to Explain" memo, and our HR Country Manager is flying in next month for an "administrative hearing".

But what can I say? See, I've been late since the first days of the job and I've been here for 1 year 3 months 25 days. I just wake up chronically late. I'm planning to just plead guilty which is the truth. I didn't even consider making up excuses after the initial panic. It was no contest. I haven't told anyone though. Which sucks. The parts that I dread the most:

• the embarrassment of having been served an NTE. i don't want the rest of the office finding out about it, but given the highly efficient grapevine, and my super noisy boss, i'm sure everyone will know. damn it.
• the part of having to explain myself. i don't like talking about myself and explaining my actions to people who don't matter. never have and never will. i hate it the most. the embarrassment is bearable. but i don't want to face the managers and explain. it would feel a lot like a test or an interview, and i don't like failing tests! arrrghhhh

speaking of interviews, i was scheduled for an interview this morning for a food brand. however, i wasn't ready, and so i turned my phone off and ignored the interview schedule. shit. i'm such a dumb ass. but i digress.

after this fiasco in the shipping industry, i am definitely getting a new job. if i don't get fired next week, i am going to resign before my trip in August. enough is enough. time to look for not necessarily greener, but less-rigid pastures. so i better not ignore those job interviews anymore. 

ahhh. glad to have that worry out of my chest. you've done it again anon blog.

My Shattered Dreams

This had been an interesting day. I woke up this morning thinking I’d get the sack since we’re doing an org restructuring. Little did I know I’d be in line for a promotion.And I’m not even sure what to feel about it. I don’t think everyone trusts that I can do a job at least as good as what M does right now. I don’t even think people think I can do it. I don’t know… I’m just not the aggressive energetic type that’s suitable for the job. I’m not quick on my feet and I am basically just a tired mess walking around. In some ways, I hoped they’d just make my position redundant and give me the severance package. I actually need the change of scenery.

But I really still can’t get over the meeting this afternoon. I wasn’t expecting to be called to the boss’ office regarding the changes. So when I went in, it came as a shock. Mostly also because I was thinking that they’d fire, and I was somewhat emotionally ready for that. But when I was told that my job is there, and I’ll still be there… I honestly didn’t know what to say. In fact, my brain wasn’t functioning properly then. Plus the boss’ eyes were so pretty,  I got distracted. LOL typical girl. Theme song when I went out with my job intact is the title. Oh well.

On Best Friends

I think I am ready to admit that we are not really best friends. Although it’s kinda hard to do so because K and I had been friends for a long time and I don’t think our friendship needs any affirmation to consider it the best. But what’s a best friend really?

Do you really have to talk all the time? Do you really have to share everything in your life? Can’t you just be comfortable with each other, and happy with the knowledge that the other exists and will be there for you in case of troubles? But that’s the clincher, isn’t it? He was never there. So why do I think he is one of my best friends? Ah – these feelings that are remnants from a past where I was needy as hell. Heck, I’m still needy now. I even get jealous of him spending a lot of time with this new girl he is currently making his moves on. I just want a few hours with my friend just to catch up!

But anyway, I’ve always known I was the jealous and possessive type. And I like to pretend as if I am not affected when I really am.  Life sucks.

Writer Anonymous

As I still can’t find it in me to sleep. Allow me to be very random at this very ungodly hour of a (hopefully) great January morning.

The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it.

How very astute of Margaret Atwood. Personally, I like knowing that in the future, I will be reading what I’ve written down. Especially those that are in this blog – my personal escape from the chaos which likes to call itself “my life”. I’m not often here, but it’s nice to have an outlet for all the intense emotions I feel I cannot share with anybody else in the real world. I guess this is the cowardly way out – but it’s a way out and I’m going to grab the opportunity to do so when the need arises.

I guess I like writing to an audience who doesn’t know who I am – or so I assume. I can be as bitchy, as mean, as angry, as happy, as kilig as I can without having to worry about how it will come across to other people. In the real world, I feel like I am always treading on egg shells that I need to be careful and keep up a lively and perpetually happy persona. Honestly, it’s tiring as hell. It’s not easy being so positive all the time. But I guess I really can’t get that out of me. That’s the real world – and darling, that’s the real me to everyone I know. But as much as that person being me, I also could not discount the fact that the one writing here is also a part of me that’s just wanting to come out and explore its potential of becoming a better person that I currently am. But what is better? Ahhh. Life has so many difficult questions, yes? And I wonder… will we able to find answers? Or do we already have them with us?

But alas! I’m finally sleepy. All it takes, apparently, are some Aiza Seguerra and MYMP music. So I stop here and say Ciao bella! Hasta La Vista!

Indispensible

Here I go again with my jealous fits. It’s not as if I wasn’t invited – nor as if I am a girlfriend – nor do I want to. But I’ve always seen him as my best guy friend and I feel like I’m already unimportant to him. I basically just feel neglected and not valued and it’s making me crazy and jealous and so dramatic. Hmmmppphh..

So much for my first blog for 2013. Well hello there world. Welcome to my jealous and possessive life!

All I really want is to feel as if I’m important to somebody. But I never feel that way anymore. Apparently, it’s true what they say – no one is indispensable. And pretty much, I’m in the most indispensible phase of my life. It’s not even remotely funny.

I guess this all boils down to the lack of esteem I’ve been feeling lately. Maybe because I’ve been as fat as hell. But I’m going to change that this year. Operation: crash diet even if it kills me! Hopefully, by the middle of the year, I’d be feeling more like my usual jolly self and grab life by the reins again. Please let this just be a phase that I never have to go through again in the near future.

For the mean time, I really need to sleep if I hope to go to work on time tomorrow. Errrr – I mean later. Calling on to my happy vibes to soothe out my jealous self and sleep this all off. Everything, they say, is better in the morning. Cue sappy love music (OH GOSH WHYYYYYYYYY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF) and I am off.

P.S.

The one happy point of my day though was when I got a very random message from my *cough cough* first love (EEEEEWWWWW I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! OH YES I DID DARN IT) which made me really giddy as if I was an obsessive teenager WHICH I WAS OBVIOULY NOT (this is my blog and no one can say otherwise). How boring is my life?! Tell me?! The best I can do is moon (NOT EVEN THAT) over a supposedly long forgotten unrequited love! But all the same, he still makes my heart go *dugeun dugeun* harhar