Enough

I hate feeling like the people I love don't love me enough.

One thing I realize this evening is that at the end of the day, I have no one to turn to when I need a hug, and no where to go when I just want to be angry at the world. I know I shouldn't impose. It's not other people's fault that I make myself available to them when they need me, and it doesn't happen vice versa. The thing is, I'm so messed up inside that I don't even know how to tell them "hey. i got a fucking problem with the world and i just want to punch someone right now, but i really really just need a hug."

I hate feeling like a failure as a person.

I'm 23-fucking-years-old and I have nothing to be proud of. I am fat, I am lazy, I am not even smart anymore. Recently, I've even started thinking about ending my life more often than I used to. Not that I will. But I don't know. Who the fuck cares?

I've been independent for so long, I don't know how to accept comfort. I'm so sad, I'm so depressed, and I can't even let it all out. I'm scared and I'm really just full of resentment and all those deep shits - I'm afraid I'm going to burst. I need to lash out on someone... ANYONE. And I'm scared I'll completely ruin myself and my relationship with others.

The truth is... I want a complete change. Away from all these. For a while. For a long time. Maybe even for good. All I know is that I can't continue living this way - I can't do all these things again and again and be alone. I don't want to feel alone when I'm surrounded by my loved ones. I'd rather be literally alone than that.

And by the way, it's a new year. Yay. What a way to start 2012.