On Good "Bye's"

I sleuthed my way in the good graces of my co-workers recently by raising more money than expected for a big Christmas party, and then afterwards raising more money for an impromptu pre-Christmas party. We had champagne, hearty food, lots of cakes and drinks and other goodies given by the suppliers! Plus some giveaways from the managers, on the spot!

I felt like people had been having fun these past few weeks, and I like that in a way I have contributed to the merry atmosphere. I guess that's why I've been feeling that this would be a bittersweet goodbye for me if I do get that job at another company next year.

I've sorta gotten close to the people at the office. And I really do like the "family" atmosphere I get being stuck in a room with everyone for at least 5 days a week and at least 8 hours a day. On the other hand, I'm also excited about getting back "out there" in the world of field sales.

I just wish I could at least finally find value in the things that I do in my next job.

Hello, It's Me Again Part 2 of 2

As I was saying, I don't like my current manager. She just keeps ordering and ordering and ordering me around, I don't really see a lot of value to what I am doing. I feel like I lack coaching and leadership from her which is sad. Sad because one of the reasons why I left my previous job was that I didn't feel like my manager was helping me grow.

Anyway, I am dreading the appraisal in February. I don't think I've been doing much, and I'm scared I might get a 2. I mean, I do not get scores below the average! I don't know how I would take that if I get a 2 out of 5 since my manager is a meanie.

But... I shouldn't really care as I have a job offer waiting from another multi-national. I am planning on moving to another company again next year. Hopefully it pushes through.

On Love

What love life?

Hello, It's Me Part 1 of 2

I guess it's been a while since I've been back - again! Actually, it's been 11 months and 13 days to be exact. My life must have been running smooth sailing these past few months right? Wrong.

So I celebrated my 24th birthday a few days ago. And guess what? It wasn't as special as I would have liked it to be. It basically just went by un-celebrated. Am I not important enough? Well, I guess not.

On Relationships

This year, while I have made quite a few friends, my relationship with my old friends are slowly deteriorating which I am partly to blame. Basically, I think I am the glue that sticks everyone together - or not. But I got really tired of adjusting my life just to suit others' schedules and what not's so I just stopped.

Around mid-year, I really got hurt by what a friend said after I just stopped. He asked why I have become like this, and that I have changed. He hoped that I'm happy with the choices I make. The comment could be taken kindly, but at that point, it just sounded accusing and righteous. Don't I have the right to change and get tired of asking for their time? Of course I have! And I hated him for a while for saying that to me. In the first place, I already felt guilty about what I've been doing. It's not in my character. This is me - the person who is always trying to be the center of attention, the one who is tirelessly there for those who need me. But then I decided that people are already taking me for granted and so I did what I had to do. And I hate people who are contrary to my decisions. As if I have the social and moral obligation to never change and be their doormat. Well, guess what? I want to be done with that.

And so... it's almost a new year, and I am still acting like that. In a way, it opened up my world to a whole lot of other people. But yeah, I miss them - my friends. But until I could trust them again, I don't think I could ever go back to the same old person they knew then

On Career

In one of my posts many eons ago, I mentioned that I was switching careers at the beginning of the years. Well, I have indeed. I left my old high-paying low-level job in a low-level company for a low-paying low-level in a multi-national company. I can't say I am happier now. But I've learned a lot in this past year. But basically, I'm getting fed up with the job - most especially with my manager.

**to be continued**

Enough

I hate feeling like the people I love don't love me enough.

One thing I realize this evening is that at the end of the day, I have no one to turn to when I need a hug, and no where to go when I just want to be angry at the world. I know I shouldn't impose. It's not other people's fault that I make myself available to them when they need me, and it doesn't happen vice versa. The thing is, I'm so messed up inside that I don't even know how to tell them "hey. i got a fucking problem with the world and i just want to punch someone right now, but i really really just need a hug."

I hate feeling like a failure as a person.

I'm 23-fucking-years-old and I have nothing to be proud of. I am fat, I am lazy, I am not even smart anymore. Recently, I've even started thinking about ending my life more often than I used to. Not that I will. But I don't know. Who the fuck cares?

I've been independent for so long, I don't know how to accept comfort. I'm so sad, I'm so depressed, and I can't even let it all out. I'm scared and I'm really just full of resentment and all those deep shits - I'm afraid I'm going to burst. I need to lash out on someone... ANYONE. And I'm scared I'll completely ruin myself and my relationship with others.

The truth is... I want a complete change. Away from all these. For a while. For a long time. Maybe even for good. All I know is that I can't continue living this way - I can't do all these things again and again and be alone. I don't want to feel alone when I'm surrounded by my loved ones. I'd rather be literally alone than that.

And by the way, it's a new year. Yay. What a way to start 2012.