Those Little Imperfections

Because a face without freckles is like a sky without the stars. Why waste a second not loving who you are. Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable. They show your personality inside your heart, reflecting who you are. (Freckles, Natasha Bedingfield)

Over and over again...


We've been through this a hundred times before. You guys asking me if I was alright after I post some silly papansin things online, and I say I'm fine, I'm great, I'm wonderful over and over again; when in fact, all I really want is a big, tight hug, a shoulder to cry on, and to talk about all those seemingly silly papansin little things that actually bothers me a lot.

But when I am actually noticed, I clam up and claim that everything is great. I know I'm a drama queen, but why can't I even share what I really really really feel when it matters most?

Don't get me wrong though. I appreciate the effort. In fact, I revel in it. It's where I remain normal between life and insanity. Although sometimes - most of the time actually - I really yearn for people to go out of their way to cheer me up and offer me comfort even if I can't tell them anything.

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Hormones...


I'd like to blame my hormones for all that I've been feeling recently, but I know I can't do that. I'm turning a year older in a few days though, and I can't say I'm very happy about that. Looking back, what have this past year done for me aside from make me fall apart, and then me trying to get back the pieces together?

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Career Shift


Have I mentioned I'm planning to do a career shift by the start of next year? I recently accepted a job offer yesterday - it was a hard decision to make by the way. Between the fear of exploring new options, and the regret of letting go a well-paying, no-pressure job, I had to think twice, thrice and even four times.


With school workload and existing travel arrangements that I have, I'm seeing a very hectic future ahead of me. But I've been craving for this kind of challenge for a long time now, I hope it would finally work on me.


But still, I hope you guys would wish me luck in this new path I'm taking. Cross fingers.

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Faith


I blame my lack of religious attachments these past few months for my misery.

I want to tell you...

There are a lot of things that I want to share - to my friends, to my family, even to strangers. But I can never find the courage to tell them in person. 

I want to tell people how scared and confused I am. But how do I tell them that without sounding like a complete loser? I want to tell people how hopeful I want to be, but I'm dreading the thought of major changes. I want to tell people that I hate being fat - I can't wear nice clothes to make them boys go notice me and that sucks. I want a relationship but I don't want to give my heart away because someone might break it. I want to tell people that I'm tired of my parents smothering me, and that I want to go and live on my own. I want to tell people that I am neck-deep in debt. And I want to tell people that I am just sick and tired of being a second-rate person. 

But I guess I'm just really scared of being judged and seen negatively. I can't even trust my friends with my insecurities, doesn't that tell you anything? 

Slow Insanity

It's one of those evenings where I feel like the world has done me the greatest injustice. I've really been reading too much melo-drama paperbacks lately, but I won't let that be my excuse for feeling like crap right now. 

I feel like there are lot of things that I don't deserve. Especially my own mother making me feel as if I am the most worthless and stupid people on earth just because I was a few minutes late picking them up. 

Well, it actually isn't just that. Everything seems to be going wrong no matter how much I want them to be otherwise. Tonight's events was just the last straw to test out my emotions. I don't want other people to make me feel like shit - it reminds how I think I'm shit and I don't want that. It would ruin me completely. But hell, that's really what I think. Having other people say that too only affirms it. And it's hard to accept even though I've started thinking about that already. 

I don't know. I'm really confused. And I'm really just sad. I realized that while I have many friends, there aren't any around whom I am comfortable enough to cry on to. I'm not that strong. I'm afraid of being rejected, of being ridiculed for being weak. But I really really really really want a hug right now. And I don't want to talk about it. Words just ruin everything. And I'm feeling too much at the moment it's hard for me to even say exactly what's wrong. 

Come to think of it, the last time I was simply held after an uncontrolled crying bout was back in high school. And yes, I really feel THAT bad right now.