Stop

What would it take for people to stop? To simply quit the job they're already fed up with, the people who make life miserable, and the rest of the world who judges and misunderstands every little thing?

I'm seriously tired to be on my toes all of the time. It annoys the hell out of me that I still feel I have to watch what I do or say even if I'm alone because I don't want to be a person below everyone else's expectations. It really gets to the point that you get sick of just about everything. And it saddens me that a lot of people whom I've trusted are drifting away from me.

I can't tell anything to my family. We've never been very close - perhaps on a superficial level, I am closer to my siblings, but not to the point that I tell them every little details as I do my friends. My parents have high expectations of me, and the pressure is just unimaginable. I'd like to believe my siblings look up to me so I have to act as if I'm really living the best of both worlds.

I can't hang out with my friends. Where are my friends anyway? I hate the fact that they would only remember me when they need something or anything. I just can't tell them how hurt I am, because I have this image of being invincible and being sickeningly positive to uphold. I'd like to think that friends know even when you don't say anything is true, but so far, it doesn't apply to me. I keep thinking about that though, and keep trying to figure out the reasons why. Am I a bad friend? Most importantly, am I a bad person? I want to believe that I am better person than that. I have my flaws, but I think, when it matters, I have always and will always be with them. I really just feel under appreciated. And right now, I'm having a hard time making close friends. It's hard to trust people with your friendship and love, mine's been bruised many times over.

This whole friendship thing is definitely making me lonely. And that leads me to a whole new set of problems. I was satisfied with just having friends before. But these days, I feel so alone that I keep thinking how happy I'd be if only I had someone with me - preferably, passionately in love with me and vise versa. I keep seeing lovers all around me, and people happier in love, but why am I alone?

Another bout of depression, same batch of insecurities.

Oh, when will life start to go upward again?