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For some reasons, I'm feeling very sad. I think I've been feeling this way since my birthday a couple of days ago. I feel so lonely.

Those Little Imperfections

Because a face without freckles is like a sky without the stars. Why waste a second not loving who you are. Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable. They show your personality inside your heart, reflecting who you are. (Freckles, Natasha Bedingfield)

Over and over again...


We've been through this a hundred times before. You guys asking me if I was alright after I post some silly papansin things online, and I say I'm fine, I'm great, I'm wonderful over and over again; when in fact, all I really want is a big, tight hug, a shoulder to cry on, and to talk about all those seemingly silly papansin little things that actually bothers me a lot.

But when I am actually noticed, I clam up and claim that everything is great. I know I'm a drama queen, but why can't I even share what I really really really feel when it matters most?

Don't get me wrong though. I appreciate the effort. In fact, I revel in it. It's where I remain normal between life and insanity. Although sometimes - most of the time actually - I really yearn for people to go out of their way to cheer me up and offer me comfort even if I can't tell them anything.

***

Hormones...


I'd like to blame my hormones for all that I've been feeling recently, but I know I can't do that. I'm turning a year older in a few days though, and I can't say I'm very happy about that. Looking back, what have this past year done for me aside from make me fall apart, and then me trying to get back the pieces together?

***

Career Shift


Have I mentioned I'm planning to do a career shift by the start of next year? I recently accepted a job offer yesterday - it was a hard decision to make by the way. Between the fear of exploring new options, and the regret of letting go a well-paying, no-pressure job, I had to think twice, thrice and even four times.


With school workload and existing travel arrangements that I have, I'm seeing a very hectic future ahead of me. But I've been craving for this kind of challenge for a long time now, I hope it would finally work on me.


But still, I hope you guys would wish me luck in this new path I'm taking. Cross fingers.

***

Faith


I blame my lack of religious attachments these past few months for my misery.

I want to tell you...

There are a lot of things that I want to share - to my friends, to my family, even to strangers. But I can never find the courage to tell them in person. 

I want to tell people how scared and confused I am. But how do I tell them that without sounding like a complete loser? I want to tell people how hopeful I want to be, but I'm dreading the thought of major changes. I want to tell people that I hate being fat - I can't wear nice clothes to make them boys go notice me and that sucks. I want a relationship but I don't want to give my heart away because someone might break it. I want to tell people that I'm tired of my parents smothering me, and that I want to go and live on my own. I want to tell people that I am neck-deep in debt. And I want to tell people that I am just sick and tired of being a second-rate person. 

But I guess I'm just really scared of being judged and seen negatively. I can't even trust my friends with my insecurities, doesn't that tell you anything? 

Slow Insanity

It's one of those evenings where I feel like the world has done me the greatest injustice. I've really been reading too much melo-drama paperbacks lately, but I won't let that be my excuse for feeling like crap right now. 

I feel like there are lot of things that I don't deserve. Especially my own mother making me feel as if I am the most worthless and stupid people on earth just because I was a few minutes late picking them up. 

Well, it actually isn't just that. Everything seems to be going wrong no matter how much I want them to be otherwise. Tonight's events was just the last straw to test out my emotions. I don't want other people to make me feel like shit - it reminds how I think I'm shit and I don't want that. It would ruin me completely. But hell, that's really what I think. Having other people say that too only affirms it. And it's hard to accept even though I've started thinking about that already. 

I don't know. I'm really confused. And I'm really just sad. I realized that while I have many friends, there aren't any around whom I am comfortable enough to cry on to. I'm not that strong. I'm afraid of being rejected, of being ridiculed for being weak. But I really really really really want a hug right now. And I don't want to talk about it. Words just ruin everything. And I'm feeling too much at the moment it's hard for me to even say exactly what's wrong. 

Come to think of it, the last time I was simply held after an uncontrolled crying bout was back in high school. And yes, I really feel THAT bad right now.

Stop

I should really just stop saying bad things about other people, because I keep hearing bad things bout myself also. I hate it. I've always said that I believe in Karma. But I haven't really thought about me when I was thinking that.

Crossfingers

I submitted my resume this afternoon. Hopefully, it'll bring good results. I'm tired of getting disappointing results.

Pray for me, please! 

Stop

What would it take for people to stop? To simply quit the job they're already fed up with, the people who make life miserable, and the rest of the world who judges and misunderstands every little thing?

I'm seriously tired to be on my toes all of the time. It annoys the hell out of me that I still feel I have to watch what I do or say even if I'm alone because I don't want to be a person below everyone else's expectations. It really gets to the point that you get sick of just about everything. And it saddens me that a lot of people whom I've trusted are drifting away from me.

I can't tell anything to my family. We've never been very close - perhaps on a superficial level, I am closer to my siblings, but not to the point that I tell them every little details as I do my friends. My parents have high expectations of me, and the pressure is just unimaginable. I'd like to believe my siblings look up to me so I have to act as if I'm really living the best of both worlds.

I can't hang out with my friends. Where are my friends anyway? I hate the fact that they would only remember me when they need something or anything. I just can't tell them how hurt I am, because I have this image of being invincible and being sickeningly positive to uphold. I'd like to think that friends know even when you don't say anything is true, but so far, it doesn't apply to me. I keep thinking about that though, and keep trying to figure out the reasons why. Am I a bad friend? Most importantly, am I a bad person? I want to believe that I am better person than that. I have my flaws, but I think, when it matters, I have always and will always be with them. I really just feel under appreciated. And right now, I'm having a hard time making close friends. It's hard to trust people with your friendship and love, mine's been bruised many times over.

This whole friendship thing is definitely making me lonely. And that leads me to a whole new set of problems. I was satisfied with just having friends before. But these days, I feel so alone that I keep thinking how happy I'd be if only I had someone with me - preferably, passionately in love with me and vise versa. I keep seeing lovers all around me, and people happier in love, but why am I alone?

Another bout of depression, same batch of insecurities.

Oh, when will life start to go upward again?

Have you ever woken up in the morning feeling like shit's gonna happen to you all day? Well, I have ~ I think for quite a while now I just keep waiting for the bomb (whatever it is) to drop.

Y'all know what's up with me and my career - whatever there is of it. And now, life at home seems to be turning for the worst. I am suffocated by my parents insistent nagging. I am most definitely thinking about moving out very soon. I just have to figure out my finances first. I think I really need a major change in my life to boost me up from this slump I've been stuck into for the past 2 years.

It's almost 3AM.

I've been MIA for a while now. I guess I got too comfortable in the real world, it kinda shocked me how much I've revealed there. I have to admit, it felt good to be able to voice out some of my feelings as me, and not as some anonymous person. It's still not the same though - when I write from the heart as "me", I get scared easily and so I don't really get to express everything that I want to share.

You see, I've finally admitted it to myself lately. I'm really afraid of getting judged. I know it happens all the time, but I like to pretend it doesn't and it scares me to think that people are going to think bad about me if I show them my weaknesses. It's kinda twisted, and I know it's irrational, but that's really the way I feel.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm not living up to their expectations - heck, I'm not even living up to my own expectations! I just wish they'd stop making me feel bad. Unlike other people who gets motivated by negative criticisms, I thrive with positive focus. I like it when people make me feel good - it inspires me to do even better. But no one seems to get that at work. I'm sick and tired of it all. ARGHH

Bothered

It's been a while. I guess I haven't been feeling insane for the past three months so I haven't been back until now. See, I'm bothered about a lot of things lately.

On Work

I know I said I'll quit my current job this month. But I haven't done it yet. I haven't even made a resignation letter although I've been letting people on on how I was really gonna leave as soon as I can. But despite my feelings of despair about where I am right now, I have to be practical. I have debts above my head, I have an impending trip abroad, and I have a lot of others things going around me - particularly, not having any jobs lined up yet. And I'm seriously considering taking up my masterals. Everything needs money, and if I quit my job now, I won't have any left to fund my self-destructing life. There are days I just want to kill myself and be done with it, but we can't have that can we? One less beautiful girl in the world will be a tragedy. lol

On Friends

I hate it that I care so much about my friends. There is this one in particular. He doesn't answer texts, he doesn't answer calls. But when he does text or call, he expects everyone to pick up after him and save him from whatever mess he's at. I love him dearly, but my patience is getting to its limit. I don't want to care anymore, but I just can't do it. And my obsessive-compulsive tendencies to be a control freak is fraying my nerves to tiny shreds. I guess I'll die anyway.

On Expenses

I should just shred my credit cards. They'll be the death of me, I tell you.