Disclaimer:
This may not be necessarily true but this is how I feel for now. I believe I am just blinded by my loneliness but forgive me, I just have to do this. Maybe letting off a bit of steam is just what I need. It used to work well for me.
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I'm a bit disappointed that no one really takes the time to look out for me. Most of the time, I feel like it's always me who's asking if my friends are okay. Or them going to me with all their problems. I can't ignore them, because that's just me. I like doing things for people. I like knowing they're okay, that they're happy. And they have all these problems that personally, I don't know how to handle because I've never had problems like theirs before. They usually have problems about their love lives (but I don't have that!) or issues about their families (I have them too, but I leave them at home most of the time). And I'm very envious that they can share these concerns with other people. I can't do that. I feel like other people would judge me if I'm not happy. I mean, if I tell them I'm fat and I'm miserable, what is not wrong with that picture?! I read somewhere that fat people should be happy. That's how it's supposed to be right? But I am not. Yes people. I'm fat and miserable. I hide behind this mask of a carefree and jolly person who always say she's beautiful but deep inside, I'm really not happy. (Although I am SERIOUS about the beautiful part. That's just how I feel. Deal with it.) So back to my point. I don't think people see that unhappy part of me. Well, maybe some of them do, but no one really took the time to exhaust my feelings out of me you know? I love talking about myself and other people. I think, with a little more coaxing, I'll be able to do reveal my issues. But hey. Who wants to hear more problems right? Don't they have enough of their own?
One of the things that I detest is feeling as if my problems are minute compared to others. Now matter how un-life-changing it is, still, those things bother me and they should also be allotted more consideration. So yes. I resent the fact that my friends don't seem to care about my deepest thoughts, and that I myself also considers my problems not worthwhile because others' issues seem to be more relevant - to whom, I really don't know.
Sometimes, this making-people-happy business can get a little too emotionally draining. I tend to pick on people when I'm down, and I hate it. I just want a happy world, but I can't seem to get it.
I'm scared of getting into relationships because people might just disappoint me. I'm scared of getting romantically involved -- not that guys are clamoring to spend more time with me -- because I feel like I'm lacking. I'm scared of not meeting my own very high expectations, and that of my family. I'm scared that I am just gonna be another wasted space in the world, just another person who adds to the problems of the world. I'm scared of showing people my fears and disappointments because they might think badly of me, that they might pity fat and miserable me.
Yes. The world is indeed unfair. And happiness is indeed a choice. But if we choose happiness, it doesn't necessarily mean we wouldn't get sad at all.
