Miserable

“What a job!” That’s what my dad said when I told them about my adventures at the wake board park today. Me and a couple of officemates missed work today to get ourselves muscle pains. While we were actually on the phone a few times this afternoon, we really just took the day of.

Loathe as I am to admit it, I do feel a lot ashamed of what I’ve been doing with my life. Yeah, yeah. I really don’t have much work to do, but it’s not reason enough for slacking on the job, right?  And there is obviously no future for me in this kind of job. I go to work at around 11am, or sometimes after lunch already, and there’s really nothing much going on anywhere. And my bosses hate me – because I hate my job and I hate that I do not see where this is taking me – so obviously, no absorbing for me, thank you very much.

I am MISERABLE. I am very miserable right now. A year ago, I thought that was a major crossroad – well, turns out it wasn’t too major really. I was just starting then, and I was very confident in my capabilities and my background, I believed I could conquer the world. When I took this job – which I didn’t actually officially do – I thought to myself: “what the eff… let’s just give it a try… you never know, right?” Now I’m filled with a lot of what ifs, but there’s no bringing back the past. How I wish I could go back and retrace my steps and start it all over again…

I am too complacent right now. I am sort of happy just being like this – having all the time in the world to do whatever I want whenever my boss doesn’t need me. But I feel a lot guilty too. Guilty for not living up to what I’ve dreamed to become, guilty for not being a good employee, and guilty for all the excuses I have and will make.

I hope this rough patch for me will end soon. Misery is a lonely business. It eats me up inside. Happiness is only fleeting, and not even very happy at that. I really don’t know. I’m so miserable