A Wish. A Hope.

I wish I have enough courage to finally go out of my comfort zone. My life is at one of its vaguest point right now. I'm scared of what I have to face if I do this now, but if I don't... I it might just kill me. It's not like me to get depressed. I'm a strong person. I can do it. I know I can. And I will.

NAKAKASTRESS KA.

Yun ang nakakaasar sa parents ko eh. Lagi na lang sila ang tama. SILA LANG ANG TAMA. And sila lang ang dapat na laging masunod. Eh kung sila na lang kaya ang maging ako ano?!

BWISET. BWISET LANG TALAGA. FINE. My new goal in life is not to go to Madrid anymore. I'd rather save money and move away from here. I can't take it anymore. 10 days living with my dad is HELL. I wish I could tell that IN HIS FACE. Feeling niya kasi, employees din niya kami and siya ang boss namin. According to him, dapat daw... isang tawag lang niya eh we'll come running to him na. IS HE FOR REAL?! I mean, I love my dad. I guess we all love our fathers, but there is a limit at how much he can control me. 

I don't owe him anything -- I think graduating at the top of my college is enough payment for all the "sacrifices" and to boost his ego. In the first place, he's not really a "dad" to me all the way. I barely see him. When I do, it's always only for a few days. The longest time I lived with him was when I was about to graduate from high school, until I was about to graduate from college. And then he was gone again. There never really was anything easy about our relationship. And now that he's taken a 10-day leave from work, he is exasperating me! 

Stop berating me for my choices. Yes, I'm aware of my mistakes, of my seemingly stagnant life, but who the hell are you to berate me in front of my siblings. It's sooo just you. You tell us na wag manghamak ng tao, but FUCK YOU, you do that even to your children. Yes, you're at the top of your game. Yes, you're good at your job. But DAMN YOU, you are not a good father to me. You were never who I needed from a father. The only time I really remember you is when I need something from you. But WHY THE HELL do I feel the need to impress you? It's just not worth it anymore. My choices are mine. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS LOW. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO START TREATING ME LIKE A 3-YEAR-OLD STILL. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OF THE CHOICES I MAKE. I am entitled to my own mistakes too, and have people support me instead of casting stones at me. OO NA. MAGALING KA NA. MAGALING NA MAGALING KA NA.

And now that I think you are going to be back, I guess it's now time for me to pack up and leave this place. I just don't think I could live with both my parents around me. I can stand my mom nagging, but with my dad around, I just couldn't do it. Everyone just acts on tiptoe around him. I couldn't be like that. It's an effort to communicate with you. It feels as if it's soooo hard to not be perfect all the time when you're around. NAKAKASTRESS KA. Kaya walang gustong makipag-usap ng masinsinan sayo. All we talk about are other things because talking to you feels degrading, and we do not function that way. BAHALA KA NA. MAGALING KA NAMAN EH.

That said, I will now start looking for a house / job elsewhere. I do not want to stay in this place as long as he is here. 

Miserable

“What a job!” That’s what my dad said when I told them about my adventures at the wake board park today. Me and a couple of officemates missed work today to get ourselves muscle pains. While we were actually on the phone a few times this afternoon, we really just took the day of.

Loathe as I am to admit it, I do feel a lot ashamed of what I’ve been doing with my life. Yeah, yeah. I really don’t have much work to do, but it’s not reason enough for slacking on the job, right?  And there is obviously no future for me in this kind of job. I go to work at around 11am, or sometimes after lunch already, and there’s really nothing much going on anywhere. And my bosses hate me – because I hate my job and I hate that I do not see where this is taking me – so obviously, no absorbing for me, thank you very much.

I am MISERABLE. I am very miserable right now. A year ago, I thought that was a major crossroad – well, turns out it wasn’t too major really. I was just starting then, and I was very confident in my capabilities and my background, I believed I could conquer the world. When I took this job – which I didn’t actually officially do – I thought to myself: “what the eff… let’s just give it a try… you never know, right?” Now I’m filled with a lot of what ifs, but there’s no bringing back the past. How I wish I could go back and retrace my steps and start it all over again…

I am too complacent right now. I am sort of happy just being like this – having all the time in the world to do whatever I want whenever my boss doesn’t need me. But I feel a lot guilty too. Guilty for not living up to what I’ve dreamed to become, guilty for not being a good employee, and guilty for all the excuses I have and will make.

I hope this rough patch for me will end soon. Misery is a lonely business. It eats me up inside. Happiness is only fleeting, and not even very happy at that. I really don’t know. I’m so miserable

I’m a SHOE-paholic.

I have been working – err, sort of – for 13 months now and yet I have zero savings and an almost maxed out credit card. Fortunately, I don’t have any debts aside from my CC. Oh gosh.

Well, I do have 24 new paiHirs of shoes (OH MY GOD) since I started working! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. NO WONDER I AM BROKE!!!!!!!!!

Wake Up Call

Today Yesterday, I needed a reason to smile. I’m glad I have friends who just take me as I am. God is really good.

I guess I just needed a nudge here and there to remember God. Thank you Lord for giving me all the blessings that I have.

*******

I’ve said it before: I believe I am just waiting to be fired. I know it sounds weird and all, but it’s how I feel. Bad as it sounds, I think I’m deliberately pushing my boss to take a lot of things against me. Does that make me a bad person?

I’ve always wondered if I should still stay with this company, with this position. I’m tired already. There’s no growth for me in here, I am not really learning anything. I want something more.

I think I may try to apply for that position that would allow me to travel. I believe I need a different environment, something that would allow me to travel and be independent.

*******

And speaking of travelling, I really want to go abroad already. I want to go back to Hong Kong, and then go to Bangkok, and then Singapore. I.WANT.TO.TRAVEL.PERIOD.