Forever 21

In an hour or so, I'm turning 22. Gosh. The last time I had the same numbers for my age was 11 years ago. I was still in 5th grade then, I guess. Oh how time passes by so fast. How did I end up here so soon? I'm 3 years away from being in my mid-twenties. OH GOD. 

But well, the truth is, there's really no big deal about turning 22 (unlike being 18 or 20). I guess I'm just anxious about what will happen on my "big day". Will my friends remember? Should I treat everyone? I really don't know what I want to happen! It's weird really. It's the first birthday that I feel like I should really be financially independent already ~ but why am I still so emotionally detached to people? It's not a bad thing though. I think it's great that I have so many good relationships shared. 

I should really not make a big deal out of this right? I'm just stressing myself out of nothing. Why can't most birthdays just be like a normal day? I've actually contemplated about going out of town alone on my birthday, somewhere I've never been to before, to a place that no one knows me and vice versa. But I don't think I can do that whole "Eat Pray Love" route yet. :) 

But what the heck. 22. OMG. Haha. I guess imagination is really far from reality, huh? When I was still in high school, I think I saw myself as a 22 year old success. That I've lost a lot of weight, had a very high-paying job, living independently, and all that jazz. But look at me now. I'm still hopeful though. Yes I am. I am 22 and I will start doing everything I can to reach my dreams. Itaga sa bato! :)

Happy Birthday to me! I can't be forever 21 now, can I? Haha

The Quarter Life Crisis

I found this awesome essay online. At least 80% of what is written here, I can relate with. It's like the author read my thoughts and felt my feelings. Perfect.


***


The Quarter Life Crisis
by: Unknown


It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.


***


If you can relate to this, raise both of your feet. You're welcome.

Bouncing Back

How is it that it was only last night that I was ranting about how miserable I am?!

I find it funny how life has a way of slapping us in the face and making us realize how lucky we are, and how grateful we really ought to be. What was that I said about friends not being there? Now that I've slept and thought about it, maybe it's not the people that's wrong, maybe it's just the circumstances that we are all in. In the end, I guess the most important thing is that we all feel the same way about friendship - we value it and cherish it. We don't always have to be together to say we're friends. Nor do we all have the time to really dig deep into the hearts of our friends when we could just share it, right? Well, it's kinda hard but it'll be a win-win situation for all right?

So yes. Fuck being fat. Fuck being miserable. We only live once (unless you believe in reincarnation), so let's just stop looking for reasons to be unhappy all the time. We don't often meet friends who will always be there despite the time and distance, so when we do meet them, make the most of it and just stop being selfish. The world is a beautiful place, and we all have a shot at happiness if we seize every fucking adventure in life. Hell, yeah!

I'm Fat and I'm Miserable

Disclaimer:
This may not be necessarily true but this is how I feel for now. I believe I am just blinded by my loneliness but forgive me, I just have to do this. Maybe letting off a bit of steam is just what I need. It used to work well for me.

***

I'm a bit disappointed that no one really takes the time to look out for me. Most of the time, I feel like it's always me who's asking if my friends are okay. Or them going to me with all their problems. I can't ignore them, because that's just me. I like doing things for people. I like knowing they're okay, that they're happy. And they have all these problems that personally, I don't know how to handle because I've never had problems like theirs before. They usually have problems about their love lives (but I don't have that!) or issues about their families (I have them too, but I leave them at home most of the time). And I'm very envious that they can share these concerns with other people. I can't do that. I feel like other people would judge me if I'm not happy. I mean, if I tell them I'm fat and I'm miserable, what is not wrong with that picture?! I read somewhere that fat people should be happy. That's how it's supposed to be right? But I am not. Yes people. I'm fat and miserable. I hide behind this mask of a carefree and jolly person who always say she's beautiful but deep inside, I'm really not happy. (Although I am SERIOUS about the beautiful part. That's just how I feel. Deal with it.) So back to my point. I don't think people see that unhappy part of me. Well, maybe some of them do, but no one really took the time to exhaust my feelings out of me you know? I love talking about myself and other people. I think, with a little more coaxing, I'll be able to do reveal my issues. But hey. Who wants to hear more problems right? Don't they have enough of their own?

One of the things that I detest is feeling as if my problems are minute compared to others. Now matter how un-life-changing it is, still, those things bother me and they should also be allotted more consideration. So yes. I resent the fact that my friends don't seem to care about my deepest thoughts, and that I myself also considers my problems not worthwhile because others' issues seem to be more relevant - to whom, I really don't know.

Sometimes, this making-people-happy business can get a little too emotionally draining. I tend to pick on people when I'm down, and I hate it. I just want a happy world, but I can't seem to get it.

I'm scared of getting into relationships because people might just disappoint me. I'm scared of getting romantically involved -- not that guys are clamoring to spend more time with me -- because I feel like I'm lacking. I'm scared of not meeting my own very high expectations, and that of my family. I'm scared that I am just gonna be another wasted space in the world, just another person who adds to the problems of the world. I'm scared of showing people my fears and disappointments because they might think badly of me, that they might pity fat and miserable me.

Yes. The world is indeed unfair. And happiness is indeed a choice. But if we choose happiness, it doesn't necessarily mean we wouldn't get sad at all.

feels like the first time all over again

i'm sitting outside a coffee shop somewhere waiting for a call to arrive. I'm having a job interview for Smart today. I was told to find somewhere quiet and with a good signal, but Why The Hell is this place so noisy! I don't know if they'll be able to hear me clearly, but amid the noise, but it's just too crowded inside and i don't want the whole cafe to hear me talk about my life's what nots! ~huhu but seriously, you guys... I am a nervous wreck right no but OMG! I'm gonna be so dead! Waaaaaacaaaa. I'm skipping work again because of this. I should've just stayed home, yes? At least it would be quiet there.or if only I had a h me... That would give me more privacy!w! My last job interview had been more than a year ago already! I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do! The worst thing about it is that I'm doing this on the phone! :( but at least I've had experience on phone interviews from a previous convention I joined!

A Wish. A Hope.

I wish I have enough courage to finally go out of my comfort zone. My life is at one of its vaguest point right now. I'm scared of what I have to face if I do this now, but if I don't... I it might just kill me. It's not like me to get depressed. I'm a strong person. I can do it. I know I can. And I will.

NAKAKASTRESS KA.

Yun ang nakakaasar sa parents ko eh. Lagi na lang sila ang tama. SILA LANG ANG TAMA. And sila lang ang dapat na laging masunod. Eh kung sila na lang kaya ang maging ako ano?!

BWISET. BWISET LANG TALAGA. FINE. My new goal in life is not to go to Madrid anymore. I'd rather save money and move away from here. I can't take it anymore. 10 days living with my dad is HELL. I wish I could tell that IN HIS FACE. Feeling niya kasi, employees din niya kami and siya ang boss namin. According to him, dapat daw... isang tawag lang niya eh we'll come running to him na. IS HE FOR REAL?! I mean, I love my dad. I guess we all love our fathers, but there is a limit at how much he can control me. 

I don't owe him anything -- I think graduating at the top of my college is enough payment for all the "sacrifices" and to boost his ego. In the first place, he's not really a "dad" to me all the way. I barely see him. When I do, it's always only for a few days. The longest time I lived with him was when I was about to graduate from high school, until I was about to graduate from college. And then he was gone again. There never really was anything easy about our relationship. And now that he's taken a 10-day leave from work, he is exasperating me! 

Stop berating me for my choices. Yes, I'm aware of my mistakes, of my seemingly stagnant life, but who the hell are you to berate me in front of my siblings. It's sooo just you. You tell us na wag manghamak ng tao, but FUCK YOU, you do that even to your children. Yes, you're at the top of your game. Yes, you're good at your job. But DAMN YOU, you are not a good father to me. You were never who I needed from a father. The only time I really remember you is when I need something from you. But WHY THE HELL do I feel the need to impress you? It's just not worth it anymore. My choices are mine. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS LOW. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO START TREATING ME LIKE A 3-YEAR-OLD STILL. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OF THE CHOICES I MAKE. I am entitled to my own mistakes too, and have people support me instead of casting stones at me. OO NA. MAGALING KA NA. MAGALING NA MAGALING KA NA.

And now that I think you are going to be back, I guess it's now time for me to pack up and leave this place. I just don't think I could live with both my parents around me. I can stand my mom nagging, but with my dad around, I just couldn't do it. Everyone just acts on tiptoe around him. I couldn't be like that. It's an effort to communicate with you. It feels as if it's soooo hard to not be perfect all the time when you're around. NAKAKASTRESS KA. Kaya walang gustong makipag-usap ng masinsinan sayo. All we talk about are other things because talking to you feels degrading, and we do not function that way. BAHALA KA NA. MAGALING KA NAMAN EH.

That said, I will now start looking for a house / job elsewhere. I do not want to stay in this place as long as he is here. 

Miserable

“What a job!” That’s what my dad said when I told them about my adventures at the wake board park today. Me and a couple of officemates missed work today to get ourselves muscle pains. While we were actually on the phone a few times this afternoon, we really just took the day of.

Loathe as I am to admit it, I do feel a lot ashamed of what I’ve been doing with my life. Yeah, yeah. I really don’t have much work to do, but it’s not reason enough for slacking on the job, right?  And there is obviously no future for me in this kind of job. I go to work at around 11am, or sometimes after lunch already, and there’s really nothing much going on anywhere. And my bosses hate me – because I hate my job and I hate that I do not see where this is taking me – so obviously, no absorbing for me, thank you very much.

I am MISERABLE. I am very miserable right now. A year ago, I thought that was a major crossroad – well, turns out it wasn’t too major really. I was just starting then, and I was very confident in my capabilities and my background, I believed I could conquer the world. When I took this job – which I didn’t actually officially do – I thought to myself: “what the eff… let’s just give it a try… you never know, right?” Now I’m filled with a lot of what ifs, but there’s no bringing back the past. How I wish I could go back and retrace my steps and start it all over again…

I am too complacent right now. I am sort of happy just being like this – having all the time in the world to do whatever I want whenever my boss doesn’t need me. But I feel a lot guilty too. Guilty for not living up to what I’ve dreamed to become, guilty for not being a good employee, and guilty for all the excuses I have and will make.

I hope this rough patch for me will end soon. Misery is a lonely business. It eats me up inside. Happiness is only fleeting, and not even very happy at that. I really don’t know. I’m so miserable

I’m a SHOE-paholic.

I have been working – err, sort of – for 13 months now and yet I have zero savings and an almost maxed out credit card. Fortunately, I don’t have any debts aside from my CC. Oh gosh.

Well, I do have 24 new paiHirs of shoes (OH MY GOD) since I started working! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. NO WONDER I AM BROKE!!!!!!!!!

Wake Up Call

Today Yesterday, I needed a reason to smile. I’m glad I have friends who just take me as I am. God is really good.

I guess I just needed a nudge here and there to remember God. Thank you Lord for giving me all the blessings that I have.

*******

I’ve said it before: I believe I am just waiting to be fired. I know it sounds weird and all, but it’s how I feel. Bad as it sounds, I think I’m deliberately pushing my boss to take a lot of things against me. Does that make me a bad person?

I’ve always wondered if I should still stay with this company, with this position. I’m tired already. There’s no growth for me in here, I am not really learning anything. I want something more.

I think I may try to apply for that position that would allow me to travel. I believe I need a different environment, something that would allow me to travel and be independent.

*******

And speaking of travelling, I really want to go abroad already. I want to go back to Hong Kong, and then go to Bangkok, and then Singapore. I.WANT.TO.TRAVEL.PERIOD.

Decisions, Decisions

There’s an opening for a management position in my company. My boss resigned a couple of weeks ago, and they’re hiring a new one. I was thinking if I should apply, but I don’t think I will. I want to take my masters next year, and I don’t think I will be able to do that while working for direct.

Also, I think I want to apply at another company after my stint with this job – you know, new environment, new people and all. So yeah. I don’t think I’m ready for this opening yet. So first things first.

Glad I had let that out.

Confessions

I just got back from a friend’s party. Ugh. Got bored. I was with a friend from HS/College – there were only the 2 of us together. And we were like… really bored. Haha. Just wanted to say that. We went home early. We spent about a couple of hours at the party. Oh well. Next time? Maybe or maybe not.

---

Some twisted part of me is very happy that other people find her repulsive as well. And that said, I would like to change the way I act towards other people. I will be nicer. Hear, hear.

Lessons Learned and Moving On

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Right now, I’ll be selfish and be protective of my position. I have been very kind for the longest time. But damn it. I hate it that I be put in the hot seat because of conflicting instructions from my bosses! Oh well.

I’ve learned my lesson. And I shall move on and become a stronger person.

Fight!

The Waiting Game

I am perpetually waiting. How many times have I wasted a whole day just waiting for so many nonsense in the workplace? Honestly, I’d rather make people wait, than wait for them myself. However, that almost never happen. Even if I make myself late deliberately. GAH. Not a nice feeling at all.

***

So yeah. I wanna quit. But I still have so many bills to pay and so many trips to take. SAVE SAVE SAVE.

If you know any job opening out there that pays well, do tell. I wanna get out of Davao already.

Goodbyes

The hardest thing in the world is to say goodbye. Especially when you know that it had been a fruitful experience. Thoughts like “where did I go wrong?” and “if I could only have done that, then we wouldn’t have come to this” and so many other excuses we give. I’m now realizing that somehow, goodbyes sometimes equate to failures. But they are so final ~ at least they are for me. When one thing ends, there is definitely no guarantee if it’s coming back. When you have to say goodbye to people because of death, there is nothing else you can do but wait for your turn. If you say goodbye to something, say a laptop because it finally crashed on you, when it dies and another laptop replaces it, it’s still not the same. Because you can never get back the experience, the feelings you’ve had with that other thing that you’ve said goodbye to.

So yeah. My point is that goodbyes are hard. They’re gut-wrenching, heart-bursting, and mind-blowing hard.

Freak!

I admit to being one of the world’s worst control freaks ever! And I guess it freaked out a couple (or more) of my friends during our recent out of town trip.

I was out with my friend R last night, and he mentioned how C got offended with me cutting off her ideas. I noticed that as well. Much as I try to stop being so OC, I can’t help it especially with people who’ve been with me for forever. In the back of my mind, I thought they’re all used to be getting my own way. It usually happens when I’m with F and L. But C and I just clash! It’s a laugh. I’m just glad that B had the guts to tell me to my face that he didn’t like me when I was annoying him that one time. Haha.

So yeah. I am a CONTROL FREAK. Especially when I’ve already made plans and everyone approved. When I decide on something, I don’t like anything getting in my way mostly because I think I already know what to do. That’s why I love F and L. They let me do things my way most of the time, but they know when to stop me! I just wish more of my friends know how to control the control freak in me. I tend to offend people with my personality some times. GAH!

The Road Less Travelled

Don’t take it the title too seriously. I just meant that I don’t usually / normally do this route, but due to unstoppable circumstances, I find myself having to do this – FINALLY. It really just bring to mind what they say about Delaying the Inevitable. PFFT.

So anyhoo, hello from the land of… err… tuna. Haha. I want to share a really serious discernment and feeling right now but I don’t want to dwell too much on personalities so let’s just leave that for another time.

Oh gosh. I’ve finally made it here. I think I’ve achieved my objectives for doing this trip. So yay for that. But still…. can’t get over this certain thought. Will blog about it when I’m not here. Haha. That’s it!

The Last of My Summer Vacation

I’ll be leaving for a short trip with my best friends next weekend, but I am far from ready! I haven’t asked permission from the office (gasp!) yet. Not sure if I will though. But I’m really pretty excited about the trip so WTH. I’m going to be with the most awesome people in the world so no worries! Well, except if that involves shopping – I have no swimwear to bring! NOOOO. Retail therapy again then?! NOOOO. YESSSS. NOOOO. YESSSS. Waaaa. I’m going crazy!

***

In line with my upcoming trip, I’ve decided that this week is REALLY – REALLY! – going to be a starve-myself week! I may be millions of miles away from a bikini bod, but it’s the thought that counts, ne c’est pas?

So goodbye fast food and hello Herbalife for me this week!

***

I just heard from ze mum this morning. It turns out we will be dishing out a good 20k share for the car repairs. SAY WHUT?! Dad told mum that I get to share with the expenses. What can I say but… I DON’T HAVE MONEY YET! So we compromised. In the next couple of months, I’ll be completely broke still! GAH.

***

And because I’m watching PBB right now, let me just say HOW HOT IS JAMES? Haha. I was never into younger men, nor am I a big fan of Aussies (not withstanding Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Jackman of course!), but preferences really do change! James’ accent is just so SMEXY, it melts my panties! Hahaha. Seriously. I love the brooding, mysterious aura that he has, and the sexy accent only makes me smolder more! OKTHXBYE.

The Weeks That Were: WEEK 18-19

I’ve been feeling the urge to write or blog something, I really just can’t decide on which topic exactly – so instead of writing in my official blog, I’ve decided to rant here! Weee.

I’ve decided that whenever I don’t get to post anything during the week, I’ll be doing a weekly digest of the insanity hovering around my head. Allow me to start today.

CRASHED

So yeah. My last post about having the car all to myself while mom is out of the country? Okay. Ditch that. The day after I did the post, I drove all the way up to Tagum for a supposedly quick store visits. Unfortunately, before getting to my first destination, an SUV crashed into my Crosswind. TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK. It was a really bad crash, the whole left side of my bumper is RUINED! So no car for me all this time. Plus there are a whole lotta complications with the police work, the insurance, and whatever else. I’m just so glad that my friend B and I are safe. I only got this 2-inch scar near my left wrist as a souvenir. So enough ranting about the accident, I’m going to move on already!

BAG HO’

For the past two weeks, I’ve been toting around the 2 Mulberry bags I bought while I was in Shanghai. I felt so awesome using them, but it just sucks a bit that no one seems to rant and rave about them but me. Makes me feel as if I’m the only brand-obsessed fashion freak among my group of friends. Hello. I carry with me an oversized Mulberry Alexa bag – last season’s “it bag”! LOL. Bragging Rights fail!

Would’ve been so much better if I also got a gray PS1 bag, but the shops I went to in Shanghai don’t know about them so they FAIL as well.

Anyhoo, speaking of my Mulberry bags, my boss was the first one to show it some love. Way to go boss! You have a great eye! No wonder you’re so brilliant!

IN THE CAR WITH THE BOSSES

Traveling is a big part of my job. Last week, I joined my bosses for a day trip. I thought it would be super awkward to ride with them, but it was really a lot of fun. My bosses are so funny. I think our sense of humor is on the same wavelength though mine (no thanks to my peers) are just a teensy bit greener. Haha. Or maybe they were just being nice and avoided their green side entirely. But yeah. More than talking about our jobs, and gossiping about some juicy and unpublished news, we also talked about the general things in life – pets, pop culture, fashion, health, etc.

The bosses told me that I should really start thinking about losing some major weight. Everyone’s telling me that already. I think I should start listening and taking them seriously, ne c’est pas?

I blushed a little when they told me that I’m pretty and that I dress well. So some people notice my pumoporma moments, eh? Haha. While I know I’m super kaduper fat, I’m glad some people appreciate the effort I make at dressing up. Hallelujah!

THE WEEKEND DONE

Can’t believe it’s going to be Monday in a few minutes. Oh why does the weekend have to end so soon? Why can’t we have a 4-hour weekend instead?! I’d love to grab more chances of loitering in bed and just living the life of an obnoxious pig. LOL. Seriously. Back to reality. The pressure’s on!

Hello Morning

What say you to a cup of Chai Tea Latte early in the morning? PURE BLISS. Not only am I wearing new shoes (HULLO PURPLE CHUCK TAYLORS!), I have finally satisfied my craving for the uber yummy goodness of Kangaroo’s Chai Tea Latte! OM NOM NOM NOM.

I had grand plans to start the day today. But just like everything else, some plans really don’t make the cut – and yet, things turned out to be better (READ FIRST PARAGRAPH).

I just drove zeh mom to zeh airport an hour ago. She’s off to a long vacation with my dad, so I have the car and the house all to myself. LOVES IT. Oh wait. Did she leave any funds for gasoline? NOOOOO! *sob sob*

Going back to Chai Tea, I haz influenced a few of my friends already! Spread the love, y’all!

On another note, I’ve been thinking about buying new shoes AGAIN lately. Will this oniomania never end?!

Uh. I can’t organize my thoughts. Insane, or otherwise. ANNOYING.

Hang Over-ed

Seems like I still haven’t recovered from my vacation yet. What am I doing lazing around at home at 1PM when I’m supposed to be WORKING IT at the office, or even at the field?

Speaking of field, I really have to do my field work soon. Plus I’m planning on going out of town too so yeah. Good luck to me on that. (Heat, please go away while I’m at one of the country’s hottest places ever!)

And because I mentioned heat, I’d like to take a moment of silence in memory of one of the best seasons I’ve ever encountered: SPRING!

It was my first time to see CHERRY BLOSSOMS. Ever since I saw that epic-ish episode in Heroes – when Hiro went back in time to vintage Japan and he saw the lady of the land surrounded by sakuras – I fell in love. With sakuras, and not Heroes.

So anyway, on another note. It’s less than a week before the elections and all I can say is: GOD BLESS THE PHILIPPINES. Up until now, I’m still not decided on who I’ll vote for. But this discussion is for another entry. It’s too depressing especially now that I’m thinking about Spring.

And while we are the subject of spring, I’d like to talk about my favorite topic in the world: FASHION.

While I was gloriously enjoying the cold north, I happened by this guy in the street. *ZOOM FOCUS TO THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PHOTO*

He looks a little thirty-ish, but oh boy is he funky! I first noticed the jeans he was wearing. Talk about making a statement in pink – not just any pink, but checkered black and pink details! And then my brand whore self suddenly caught the murse he was sporting – A LOUIS VUITTON SPEEDY! But since this was in China, I’m not sure at the authenticity of the bag, but HE PULLED IT OFF so yeah. IMO, he looks a little metrosexual, but who am I to judge right? I just wish more Flips out there would be brave enough to think “FASHION” in terms of making a statement, rather than looking ghey.

On a parting note, let me leave you an image of something that I wish we have here in Davao. Soothing is an understatement. Bye bye!

A Random Monday Night

So I kinda forgot I have this blog. I maintain so many sites already it’s easy to get lost in the navigation of things.

It’s 8:16pm on a random Monday in April. I can’t believe I’ll be going on a proper vacation in a few days. Oh how I wish we’ll fast forward to the 20th already. I’m excited to go shopping! But but but but wait! I’m short on finances! I made a plan on my salary and all that jazz a couple of months ago but it didn’t work. Blame it on the oniomania that I seem to be experiencing since I got my first paycheck! As much as I’d like to sell a few stuffs that I have, they don’t work out because I’m a very rare impressive Size 14 – the biggest among my group of women acquaintances. DARN IT. Speaking of which, I realized only a couple of hours ago how, 4 years ago, I was 20lbs lighter than I am now. What the heck happened to me?! Damn you gluttony! I shall go back to my No Rice Diet again starting now. Tonight’s dinner of Spanish Style Tuna and cups and cups of rice does not count because that was before I weighed myself. Time to get out the Herbalife I got from Chic! But I digress.

So yeah. I’m going to Shanghai on the 22nd! I can’t wait to add another stamp in my passport. And I’m going with my grandmother who promised to sponsor my shopping spree! YIPEE.

And speaking of trips, I’m still so bummed that I won’t be able to attend the BOP Cocktails this weekend. I can’t afford the plane ticket what with my Shanghai trip a few days after. Most of my batchmates are going and I will be left here to wallow on self pity while checking out their photos in Facebook. That Helen better send me some strawberry jams home so I won’t feel so left out! LOL. It’s crazy how 2 years after, my BOP friends and I are still super close. I mean, we were only together for a few days and yet our friendship has survived the time and distance! I love it. I wish I could visit soon and have a little get together with them, yes? Cross fingers on Helen’s Davao vacation pushing through!

And speaking of more trips, I’m super excited of the Cebu/Bohol trip I’m taking with my high school friends in May! Our first major out of town adventure!

It’s definitely summer! WORLD, HERE I COME!

Early Morning Thoughts

It’s weird how I find myself with so many thoughts that even I can’t keep up with. They run over and over my head like a raging river! And it’s not as if said thoughts are of any relevance to the world. Mostly they’re just insane, random, useless things.

Like when I woke up this morning. I opened my eyes and saw that there was soft light filtering through my curtains and my first thought was “oh. I woke up early again!” It’s a novelty because I don’t usually do that. HURHUR. Blame work, you guys.

And then after going through my sleepy head and deciding I’m fit to wake up already (do you asses yourself like that or is it just me?!), I continued on to what I didn’t get to finish doing last night and that is to read. YEAH YEAH YEAH. So I read a lot. Who cares?! LOL

On another bout of fresh thoughts, I’m going to stop this utter nonsense now and practice driving the pick up now. Good morning!

First Love

LOVE. Argh. One of the most over rated topics ever. But as I’ve gone a little crazy these past few nights spending some quality time with a past I’m rather embarrassed about, allow me to bore you with the gory details of my love life – or the lack thereof, overrated as it may be to talk about.

At the young innocent naive know-it-all age of 12, I have fallen in love, or so I thought, to a guy who wouldn’t even give me a time of day – unless we meet along the school corridors, or we get to ride in the same car, which happens almost everyday as we are in the same carpool. OK. I’M KILLING MYSELF HERE BY ADMITTING ALL THESE CRAZINESS! So yeah, basically, I feil in infatuation . EEW. How high school is that?!

9 years later, I look back and just laugh the fuck off that stage of unrequited teenage love. HAH! HAD I KNOWN HOW AWFUL IT WOULD BE TO REMEMBER IT ALL NOW, I’D HAVE AVOIDED ALL EMBARRASSMENT FROM THE START! Right now, I spend more than enough time as it is in the company of said object of affliction affection of my whole high school existence. I balk at the idea of ever having to talk to him about all of this – not now that we are such good friends already and can express our love to each other freely! Just the other day he told me loves me, and I slapped him after that, because I was laughing so hard. MY GOD. HOW I’D HAVE LOVED TO HEAR THAT BACK THEN, I thought.

But the whole history is still pretty disgusting. I was talking to a common friend of ours about that and we went up in uncontrollable fits of laughter. Don’t get me wrong. I love C, just not the kind of love I used to think I had for him. EEW. That would almost be like incest (no pun intended) because he now feels like a brother to me or something.

EEW. WHY AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?!

So to end this post on an even more awful note, I’d like to say that based on experience, “first love never dies” is definitely true. But while it does wear of to a level of platonic-ity, for me, there would always be that tingling feeling of awareness knowing that at some point in my life, I had admired that person to death. BOW.

Between

Life and Insanity. What’s the difference? Sometimes, both feels the same to me. Our disability to be contented, our constant drive for success however we may measure it, and even our repulsion to changes from time to time can become a little sordid. So who’s to say what’s seemingly a normal life could actually be an insanity?

I guess I’m not making any sense, as usual. And this blog is not meant for the sensible. My life as it is is a crazy mumbo jumbo of rainbows whose color turns from black to white to even frickin’ fuchsia from now until forever. Here I shall talk about all the crazies that’s happening in my life, the world, and even Planet Pandora if given the chance.

So yeah. Fasten your seatbelt on a roller coaster ride of the mundane and the downright outrageous.